Tired of Being A Twin Referee?

Last updated on August 23rd, 2023 at 10:53 pm

My identical twin sister and I frequently reminisce about our worst fight. Although we both remember the incident with slightly divergent perspectives, the upshot of the argument resulted in my sister having a few broken fingers after I pushed her and she fell down on the pavement. I believe we were about seven years old at the time.

When parents seem surprised and dismayed about their twins’ incessant bickering, I wonder if they are under the spell of the twin mystique – believing that twins should be best friends and soul mates forever. Parents of multiples pray for the time when the twins will be able to play peacefully by themselves and give mom and dad a reprieve from referee duties.

If we understand some of the underlying reasons why twins fight, we can find more effective ways of handing and minimizing the expectable friction. I have suggested repeatedly in my books and presentations that we need to teach twins NOT to share. I surmise that much of the fighting that goes on between the two of them is an enactment of their needing to share mom and dad, attention, time, and love. We should remind ourselves that singletons don’t necessarily like to share and neither do adults. So why would we expect twins to do so just because they shared a womb?

I love the observation that Peter Goldenthal makes in his book, Beyond Sibling Rivalry, about how adults do not like sharing. I certainly do not like to share my favorite toys and food. I do not appreciate someone other than me using my computer nor do I allow anyone to go into my chocolate stash without asking permission! Goldenthal believes that teaching our children to take turns rather than share is a crucial differentiation. I concur that this way of thinking is a healthier strategy to help our twins manage their feelings and frustrations when they are arguing over wanting the same toy or fighting about who gets what first. In my book, Emotionally Healthy Twins, I suggest having a few items that belong solely to each twin. For example, two exact balls or trucks or dolls that are clearly designated as belonging to a specific twin – identifying each item with a certain color or marking so that each twin recognizes it as his own. He or she can decide whether or not he/she wants his sibling to have a turn with that toy. This might alleviate some of the explosive behavior that accompanies the yelling and screaming resulting from wanting what the other one has.

Naturally preschool age children and toddlers need your interventions when things get out of hand. Goldenthal urges parents to practice authoritative parenting, not authoritarian parenting. He cites the importance of being firm, consistent, and unambiguous about what you communicate to your child. He stresses the importance of rewarding good behavior whenever you see it. He understands how parents escalate into a threatening mode after they have asked their child to do something two or three times without compliance. However, he cautions that the child who becomes accustomed to responding solely to threats is not learning how to earn approval and respect in an appropriate emotional climate.

I appreciate the way in which Goldenthal discusses what it may mean signify when a child complains that things are not fair. He urges parents to distinguish between what is petulance, impatience, and limit testing. He says to listen carefully to determine if the child is actually angry about something legitimate that feels unfair to him or her. Then parents must try to determine what this imbalance is and figure out a way to rectify it. For example, I have heard numerous stories about twins who do not have the opportunity to advance to a higher level in a sport because the coach is uncomfortable promoting one and leaving behind the other. If a situation like this does occur, it is a parent’s responsibility to explain to the coach that it is unfair to hold one twin back for the sake of the other. Attempting to make life fair for twins can have disastrous consequences as they get older.

There are many causes for sibling conflict. Some issues stem from competition and other struggles reflect individual emotional and interpersonal issues. Jealousy over attention from parents can also be a major cause of sibling conflict. In the case of twins, it is especially important not to compare the children and to help them develop their own unique talents and abilities. Children who are deprived of opportunities to contribute to their families and resentful about the attention and praise that his siblings receive will often show signs of aggression and belligerence. Understanding each child’s temperament and not having them live out our dreams will also help to minimize sibling clashes.

Dr. Joan A. Friedman is a psychotherapist who has devoted many years of her professional career to educating twins and their families about twins’ emotional needs. Having worked through her own twinship challenges and parented her fraternal twin sons, she is a definitive expert about twin development. She is the author of “Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children”. Her second book, “The Same but Different”, addresses the intricacies of adult twin relationships and is in stores now. Read more articles by Dr. Joan Friedman on Twiniversity.

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