Thriving With Three-Year-Old-Twins

Last updated on November 28th, 2023 at 07:48 pm

A few weeks ago I was having a particularly rough morning with my gorgeous twin boys, Blake and Ryan who have just turned three. To be honest, it has been a rough three years. I felt overwhelmed and inadequate. Feeling that I needed to reach out to someone who could truly understand my feelings and to reassure myself that I was semi-normal, I messaged Jill at Twiniversity. I asked for any advice or input from the moms out there.

I was completely overwhelmed by the response: seventy seven messages, including words of encouragement, sage advice and most importantly moms saying they knew how I felt and were going through the same and also needing reassurance. Although I was sitting in South Africa, thousands of miles away from most of the other moms, I felt immediately part of a community who share the incredible privilege and awesome task of raising multiples. The honesty and openness of the comments was incredible.

What the moms had to say was both simple and profound, and in most cases would work with singletons too. It has already changed my life. I thought a summary of the comments make be helpful to the moms out there.

Perhaps One or Two of These Strategies Will Help Make This Challenging Stage More Manageable

1. Choose Your Battles

Know what to let go and when to stand your ground.

2. Don’t Always Jump to Meet Their Requests

Make the kids wait for stuff sometimes, even if you are not busy, so that they learn that their needs will not always be met at the drop of a hat. Tell them you when you will do it (when you are finished your dinner, for example) and stick to that.

3. Don’t Be Afraid to Say No

Teaching your children that they can’t have everything they want is a good life lesson.

4. Be Firm

Put your foot down and don’t give in to demands.

5. Tell Them the Way Something Is Going to Be and Stick To It

If you make a threat about the consequence of negative behavior you must follow through. Consistency is key. Examples for consequences for negative behavior: time out, withholding toys or privileges, time in their bedroom/the bathroom.

6. Remove Them From the Room if They Throw a Tantrum

Tell them they are welcome to join the family again when they are finished. Insist that they are pleasant to be around.

7. Ignore the Yelling

Whining and demanding. Tell them you will only respond when they ask in a civilized way. Pretend you can’t hear them when they shout or whine.

8. Insist on Good Manners When Your Children Ask For Something

Don’t give them what they want if they don’t ask nicely. They are old enough to ask politely. Get this right now and your life will be much easier when they are older. Hang in there and be strong. It is vital that children learn to respect their parents. They have to learn to treat others, and especially adults, with courtesy.

9. Allow Other People to Do Things for Your Kids

They are old enough to understand that mom doesn’t need to do everything. They may not like it at first but stand firm and they will learn that they can let others help.

10. Insist They Wait Their Turn

If one twin is talking or asking for something, the other can wait until you are done. Tell him or her that you will help when you are finished and then ignore the demands. Don’t run yourself ragged trying to do everything at once. Turn-taking is an important life skill. Having twins gives the perfect opportunity to teach it.

11. Stay Calm

Even if inside you feel like screaming. Kids are constantly trying to push our buttons. Don’t let them control your behaviour and reactions. If they don’t get the desired reaction, they will stop trying.

12. Don’t Fight Them

It is your way or no way. You are the boss and you run your home.

13. Divide and Conquer ☺

14. Give Limited (Two Is Good) Choices to Give Them a Feeling of Having Some Control

E.g. Red cup or blue? This shirt or that one? Watch the movie with us or scream in your room? Make sure they are choices you can live with and not ones that will cause more fighting. Giving choices makes kids feel like they are part of the decision-making process and can defuse potential conflict.

15. Stick to a Routine

Kids like to know they plan and operate best when they know what to expect.

16. Give Lots of Praise for Positive Behavior

Look for reasons to praise them. They will realize praise is much nicer than being reprimanded.

17. Start A Behavior Chart

Reward good behavior. Give incentives and goals. Give spontaneous treats for good behavior.

18. Give Lots of Hugs and Love

Stop and just be with them. Listen to what they have to say and show that they are interesting and fun. Play with them. Stop, breath and think what you would want from your mommy at their age.

19. Give Individual Attention

Try to give each twin individual attention, whether it is mommy-child dates or one-on-one moments during a day.

20. Get Your Husband Involved

It is okay if he does things a bit differently but make sure you are on the same page with discipline etc. Have a plan. Sit down with your spouse and decide on a course of action that you will both stick to.

21. Get Out of the House

When you can to let the kids burn off some energy. Cabin fever makes everyone cranky.

22. Keep Them Busy

Bored kids are a recipe for trouble.

23. Remember That God Does Not Give Twins to Those Who Can’t Handle It

Trust that He will give you strategies that are right for your children.

24. In the Midst of the Chaos, Stop to Count the Many Small Blessings That Surround You

Enjoy your kids and try to live in the moment instead of wishing the time away. As Ann Voskamp says, “Although sometimes the world is ugly, it is beautiful.” Take time for yourself.

25. Take Care of Yourself and Don’t Allow Yourself to Become Isolated

Find someone you can speak openly to (my friendship with another mom of twins a bit older than mine, has been a life-line). Get out of the house and do something for you.

Books

Your three year old: friend or enemy? By Louise Bates Ames Ph.D and Francis L. ILG, M.D.
1-2-3 Magic.; The five Love Languages of children by Gary D. Chapman, Ross Campbell and Ross Campbell MD
The happiest toddler on the block by Paula Spencer and Havey Karp
Beyond time out: from chaos to calm by Beth A. Grosshans Ph.D. and Janet H. Burton L.C.S.W.