Tackling Twin Jealousy: Actionable Advice

Sibling rivalry notoriously throws parents for a loop, but twin jealousy is a beast of its own. Learn practical tips for helping your darling duo overcome this hurdle!

With your little ones progressing through identical stages of development, twin jealousy is bound to set in sooner or later. And while it may cause frustration, it’s natural for twins to experience feelings of jealousy, competitiveness, and rivalry from time to time.

In fact, twin jealousy is about as common as the endless diaper changes and sleepless nights you’re far too familiar with. But fear not, we’ve got a playbook of expert advice below to help you navigate the storm.

Acknowledge their feelings

First things first, acknowledge the elephant in the room. Let your twins know it’s normal and okay to feel jealous sometimes. When children’s feelings are acknowledged, it validates their emotional experiences by helping them feel a sense of safety in their self-expression.

This is important for a child’s self-esteem as well as their for their ability to learn coping mechanisms. For toddler-age twinnies, consider using a phrase like, “It’s okay to have big feelings.” For school-age children, you could specifically name the feeling: “Are you feeling jealous of your sister right now?”

Encourage open communication

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship, and parenting is no exception. So, along with acknowledging their feelings, also teach your twins how to express those feelings, big or small. Create a safe space for them to talk about their jealousy. You’ll be amazed at how liberating it is for them to share their emotions with each other and with you.

A great way to encourage open communication for your twins is by modeling it yourself. You can do this by narrating your own feelings and emotions. For example, you might say, “I feel frustrated right now. I don’t like when the dog steals my food.” The key with modeling is to use language that your twins can easily understand and incorporate into their own practice.

Provide individual attention

Twins share pretty much everything with each other starting with the day they’re born. But most importantly, they share YOU, their caregiver. Their sense of attachment to their guardians (the people who help keep them alive) is a biological need. By acting in a way that helps them feel seen and accepted, they are essentially ensuring their own survival. So when an external force (like their twin) poses a threat to that sense of connection, jealousy can set in quickly.

Thankfully, individual attention can help ensure that each twin feels valued, loved, and important in their own right. Of course, it can be challenging to provide equal attention to both twins at all times (trust us, we get it!!). But making an effort to spend quality one-on-one time with each twin can help balance the scales. Start small, say with 5 minutes a day, or one special bonding activity a week. Even small chunks of time can go a long way. It’s the quality of the time that matters most!

Foster cooperation 

Sometimes, the best way to tackle twin jealousy is by turning them into partners in crime. Assigning your twinnies collaborative tasks or projects can promote teamwork and cooperation. It also ensures that both twins have an equal role to play and feel shared responsibility in the outcome.

For collaborative bonding ideas, check out our article Simple Yet Fun Activities for Twin Bonding!

Establish clear boundaries for possessions and personal space

Creating clear boundaries for possessions and personal space combats twin jealousy by respecting individuality, averting intense conflicts, and ensuring equality. These boundaries teach respect for each twin’s belongings, autonomy, and privacy.

For example, let’s say one of your twins has a favorite stuffed animal that they take everywhere they go. If the other twin tries to take it without asking, step in to help set a boundary. You might say, “That’s your brother’s bear. Let’s make sure we ask before we take his personal belongings. Please give it back to him.”

Avoid favoritism

No parent has ever had a favorite child, right?! But while one twin may be taking home the favorite child medal for not making a scene at the grocery store, it’s important to not let a sense of favoritism show.

It’s normal for twins to have unique needs and personalities (they are two separate people after all). And it’s essential to nurture their individuality while maintaining a fair and supportive family environment. This doesn’t mean you will always interact with them in an identical way, but rather in a way that supports their individual needs. As the saying goes, fair doesn’t always mean equal. But the more they each feel loved and valued, the less room there is for jealousy.

Stressing out with your infant twins? Let us help! Learn what to expect in the first year with twins, including tips, tricks, and advice from real twin parents who have been there. Click here to learn more… and while you’re at it, check out our twin parent coaching services and Twiniversity shop!

Teach problem solving 

Twin jealousy often arises from disputes over attention, resources, or perceived favoritism like we’ve mentioned. That’s why encouraging your twins to problem-solve can be a game changer. It will teach them how to address conflicts in a constructive and non-confrontational manner, reducing the intensity and frequency of jealousy-inducing situations. When they learn how to take ownership of resolving their conflicts, they also learn confidence and self-worth.

A great way to do this is (you guessed it!) modeling the behavior. Let’s say you get to the playground, and they both start arguing over the one swing that’s available. You could say something like: “Hmm…there’s only one swing open right now. I wonder what a good solution is here.” And then give them the space to problem-solve together. This shows them to how to shift their focus to the solution instead of remaining in their frustration over the initial conflict.

Promote empathy

We know it can be difficult to teach a child to understand the feelings of another child (especially when they’re younger). But when twins can empathize with each other’s point of view, they are less likely to harbor jealousy. 

Sometimes simply narrating what you’re observing as a more experienced empathetic being is a big help. Something like: “Wow, it seems like your sister is really having a hard time right now. I think she’s still upset about her rice cake falling on the ground.” You can even model what it looks like to visibly show that empathy: “I think I’ll ask her if she wants a hug.”

Positive reinforcement

Never underestimate the power of positive reinforcement. As humans, our attention often falls on the more negative aspects of our environment (a learned survival skill). But trying to maintain a higher ratio of positive to negative interactions promotes a growth mindset.

To that end, praise and acknowledge your twins when they exhibit cooperation, problem-solving, or empathy. This positive feedback reinforces that desired behavior and encourages them to keep it up.

Final thoughts on twin jealousy

As parents and/or caregivers of multiples, your role in managing jealousy is pivotal. By implementing the steps outlined in this mini guide, you can create an environment where twin jealousy takes a back seat to the harmony and love that twins uniquely share. Twins are like two peas in a pod, but every pod has room for two peas to coexist peacefully.

Want more tips for navigating sibling rivalry? Check out these resources too:

• Sibling Rivalry Between Twins
• Dealing With Competition and Jealousy Between Twins
• 5 Tips to Deal With Twins Fighting

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