Spending 1-on-1 Time with Kids: Harder Than It Sounds, More Important Than You Think.

As a mom I struggle with time. There never seems to be enough time in the day to complete all the necessary tasks; even mundane things like laundry, dishes, meals and sleep. I spend all day every day with my three boys; which is at times a blessing and a curse. I am the meal, rule and fun maker. I make sure that everything gets done, that everyone is sharing, not fighting, eating their vegetables and wearing clean clothes. This usually means that if there happens to be a free moment that I want to convert it into momma time. I want to have an adult moment with my girlfriends, read a book or go to a movie without someone sitting in my lap. This doesn’t mean that I don’t adore my children to distraction, it just means that sometimes I need decompression time too. So sometimes the concept of alone time with each of my children seems laughable. Where would I possibly find that time? How could I manage to add on one more thing in an already overburdened schedule of playdates, school, sports practices, swim lessons, and family outings?

Upon reflection, I realized that I already take my oldest child out about once a month for special activities like breakfast and a movie, out to lunch, and recently a vacation to visit my family in Oregon. When I thought about it some more I realized that I have never done that with my almost three-year-old twins. Never. My first child gets a little spoiled sometimes because I feel bad about how having younger brothers can slow him down and hinder us doing the activities that he wants to do. Sometimes things revolve almost entirely around his younger brothers. At first I tried to rationalize it by saying that they couldn’t do the stuff that my oldest and I do; like movies and restaurants with longer wait times. Of course I eventually realized that I just needed to tailor some activities just for them. They really don’t care what the activity is, as long as it is just me and one of them.

At that point I made a pact with myself to try and do something with each of them once a month. At almost three they are entertained by almost anything. One of my twins is obsessed with going shopping. I am not sure why, but it is his favorite thing to do. So I have started taking him to Costco, or the local grocery store with just him once a month. Afterwards we hit a nearby frozen yogurt shop. This grocery shopping and frozen yogurt is just as exciting to him as the breakfast and a movie is to my oldest. To tell you the truth, he would probably be just fine without the frozen yogurt, but hey; momma should get something too right?

My other twin was a little harder to figure out. He doesn’t like shopping, is not interested in sitting through a movie, or going on a hike without his brothers; and we have sworn off play places and open gyms because of the plague-like germs that they contain. I finally decided to take him to the local pool one evening a month. He had the best time just splashing around and playing in the water with me. His smile stretched across his whole face. We played so hard that he fell asleep before I could even finish buckling him in his car seat. He talked about it for days afterwards and keeps asking when we get to go back. Normally when we go to the pool my attention is being pulled in three different directions and I am never able to focus too much at any one time on only one of them.

My husband has seen me doing these things and got a little bit jealous. He has never taken any of the kids on a planned one-on-one activity. He just doesn’t have time. He may take the oldest to soccer or on a quick trip to Home Depot, but hasn’t been able to really do many one-on-one adventures since he is only with them two hours a day during the week and two weekend days. It is really hard being the working parent. So we have made a plan for him to do short one-on-one activities with each child once a month as well.

When the kids come back from these activities they are so happy, bubbly, and excited to share their adventure with their brothers. I have come to realize that it is really important for our relationships with them to take that one on one time. They have to share so much of their lives with their siblings that it has to be really nice to have something for themselves. I think that it is worse for twins because they have quite literally shared everything in their lives so far; from a womb to a bedroom. One-on-one parent time helps them feel like a special individual and renew that connection.

Destiny Effertz is a stay at home mom to 3 boys under 5. Prior to having children she worked as a paralegal in a large civil litigation firm. Now she uses those research and organizational skills formulating new pie recipes and planning family vacations.