Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:15 am
“Keeping the spark alive…” OK, OK, “keeping the tinder warm”? Alright, just bring your lighter and hear me out. Having a baby can be hard. Having two babies at the same time can also be hard, sometimes brutal on connecting with your partner. So how do you stay connected? How do you keep that spark even lukewarm? There ARE ways. Here’s my take.
We had been married for 4 years when our first set of twins were born (but trying for 3 years). While infertility brought us closer and made us stronger, having babies felt like it sometimes drove us apart. I was focused on babies and in survival mode. He was focused on family (for sure) but had definite interest on keeping the bedroom alive as well. By our second set of twins a few years later? We didn’t have a lot of time or energy to give to each other and the struggle was real.
When they were young and I was nursing, leaving was nearly impossible. And to be fair, I didn’t want to leave them. So staying connected had to happen at home. What did I want from him? I wanted him to help around the house, see me tired and do a load of dishes. He wanted romance. Communication, as always, proved to be the culprit and lifesaver in all of these trials. Once we talked about it, he could do what I needed and I, in turn, felt more inclined to return the favor. When the babies were little we settled for quick moments of connecting: playing a game of backgammon (even if it took several naptimes to complete), going for a family walk (while the babies were looking around, we could talk), and even *gasp* hiring a babysitter (although I’ll admit this happened maybe twice a year). We found that writing notes to each other or sending a text during the day was a quick way to connect.
Now that they’re older? I have to say not much has changed! We find different games to play. We sit next to each other on the couch and read books in front of the fireplace. And this year we started playing volleyball on a co-ed team too (once a week we have two hours together playing volleyball!). We DO have a built-in date night. Wednesdays nights we watch Survivor together and then Top Chef. We DVR it and start after the kids are in bed. We don’t do any activities with friends that night. We don’t have birthday parties on Wednesdays. For most of the year, Wednesday is “at-home date night.” And it’s awesome.
We found that having “me time” was equally important. As a stay-at-home mom I was always at home with the kids. But once I started playing basketball and volleyball with friends, once I started going to “Mom’s Night Out” with other preschool mamas, or went to my local twins club meetings sans kids, I felt I actually had more to share with him! He too, needed something that was non work-related. He is a cyclist and goes on long bicycle rides, he plays on a volleyball team with friends as well. We have more to share and both feel as though we are getting some time out of the house doing something we love (although outside the house activities didn’t start until our first set of twins entered kindergarten…it took us a while to figure these things out!).
Connecting has been a roller coaster. The minute we get it figured out, life throws something in the way and we’re back in the trenches figuring it all out again. That being said, each time we figure it out, we feel like we’ve won gold at the Olympics. Communication is our biggest ally. When we communicate we are unstoppable. We are figuring out the methods of communication that work best for us, as it’s ever-changing. But it gets better and easier with each twist and turn.
I tell many of my twin parent friends, “Those first years with twins are hard on the marriage, but if you can stick with it, you can make it through anything.” You’re tired. You’re crabby. You’re surviving! True, there are those great moments in babies lives that make it all so amazing, but marriage is hard! And it takes work and time that are hard to put in with small babies. Connecting can be hard. But not impossible. Communicate what you need from your partner. And ask your partner what they need. Find things that you have in common that you can do on a small scale (If you can’t go out to movies once week, try RedBox. If you use to go out to restaurants alone all the time, wait till kids are in bed and have some takeout later by yourselves—maybe even light a candle and have some wine!).
Remember that connecting with your partner will make you better parents and better friends to each other.
Ways to connect every day (we learned these the slow way):
- Ask me about my day (for us this happens at the dinner table, we each share our favorite parts of the day)
- Charlotte Diamond has a kids song called, “Four Hugs a Day.” I use to sing it to my children when they complained I hugged them too much. But really, I sang it to my husband too. Even now, I’ll walk up and say, “I just need a hug.” Touch is so powerful. Don’t forget the power in a hug.
- Don’t fix my problem, listen to my problem. His desire was to fix anything I complained about. It didn’t need fixing by him, I simply needed to vent.
- Acknowledge me and what I do (and I do the same for him). I need someone to recognize that even though the house is a mess and I haven’t bathed the kids; that the 16 games of Memory meant something. And that I’m doing a good job. And he also needs to hear that working hard every day means something to our family and that we appreciate what he does.
- A kiss good-bye. (He kisses me every time he leaves the house. It means something to me.)
Amber Domrese is a mom of two (TWO!) sets of twins. Thomas and Joshua are 9 years old and Katie and Molly are 5 years old. Married for twelve years, her husband is an accountant and in the Air National Guard. She is a “retired” kindergarten teacher turned stay-at-home mom who has recently returned to the world of education as a substitute teacher. In her spare time (is there such a thing?) she coaches her children in soccer and basketball, teaches Sunday School, and plays on two volleyball teams (one with her husband – we call that “built in date night”).
