Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:15 am
Sometimes I really wonder if they really were in the womb together! How can they be born at the same time, have the same basic experiences, grow up in the same house, and yet still be so different? And how did this happen not once, but twice!? The biggest polar opposites in my house are my first set of twins, boys, now age 9. They started off very very similar, but at about 2 years old, they started finding their individuality and never looked back. Here’s a small glimpse:
The Boys
Thomas is tall, lanky and athletic. He loves all sports. He excels at school. Reading has always come naturally. He sees a word once and has it memorized forever. He has an intricate relationship with numbers. He has a great heart, and is a wonderful big brother, but sensitivity is not his strong point.
Joshua is average-height but as skinny as you’ve ever seen a kid (seriously, he eats more than all our other kids combined and still cannot put on weight!) He loves sports, but is not competitive. He enjoys the social aspect of any situation. He is our actor, singer, magician, and story-writer. He struggled with reading for the longest time; learning phonetically was his method. He’s a great reader now, but has had to work for it. He is sensitive, kind, and loving, but his temper is HOT!
Parenting the Boys
This has created quite the dynamic for parenting. What works for one boy does not work for the other. We realized early on that we had to parent each child according to their individual needs. For example, Thomas can get homework done quickly and thus needs very little time to do it. Joshua needs to do his as soon as he gets home from school so he has time to take a break if he gets frustrated.
Some sports (volleyball, soccer, swimming) we sign them up together. These are sports that they’ve either progressed at the same level or can find success individually. In soccer, the boys have their individual strengths. Thomas is fast and loves to score and play defense. Joshua is someone who loves to pass the ball down the field. Together, they are a great team! Some sports they are more competitive and they have different teams for their desired level of play (baseball and basketball). Putting them on the same team would be detrimental to their success. The boys both played in a 3-on-3 basketball tournament this summer. Thomas was in a competitive league with a team that was aggressive. Joshua was in a recreational league with a team that just wanted to have the experience and have fun. They both came away smiling with a positive experience.
It’s changed us as parents in the sense that we have to have more tricks up our sleeves — a variety of ways to respond to any moment. We focus on the strength of each child, and build those up. We also help build up those areas that might be not as prominent. Thomas needs to be more sensitive to other people. We find opportunities in real-life to build those moments up (like holding doors for other people, comforting kids at the playground, etc). Joshua needs to focus on not being so sensitive so we find moments where he gets upset over something small, and help him find the words and strategies for dealing with those situations. Luckily, they complement each other, so they can learn from each other too!
The Girls
My second set of twins is no different. As five-year old girls, they present the same challenges and advantages as the boys.
Molly is petite. She’s spunky and sassy and has a personality that you can hear and see a mile away. For a year she wore a formal gown. Every day. With heels. She practices her faces in the mirror to make sure she’s getting them right. She doesn’t have a shy bone in her body. She loves team sports because she is social, and she might be good because she’s got speed too, but she would have to stop chatting for us to find out.
Katie is taller, with dark hair. My only non-brown-eyed kid out of the bunch. She has always been a mama’s girl and never strays far. She’s shy (as in my own brother didn’t hear her speak until she was almost 4 years old because she was too shy). She doesn’t like change, most foods, or crowds. However, she rocks at sports!
Parenting the Girls
At the five-year old level, parenting our polar-opposite girls looks quite the same as the boys. Katie needs lots of encouragement and needs to feel success. Molly needs to be reigned in, and needs good boundaries. We try to encourage Katie to break out of her shell and to gain confidence. We try to encourage Molly to be a positive leader, and to listen as well as speak. We work on these qualities when the opportunity presents itself in real-life experiences. We find opportunities where both girls can find success (like soccer!)
Parenting these polar opposites has presented us with a unique look at our twins. They are so different, and yet I know they’ve had all the same experiences. What they each take from an experience is different. I am forced to look at the world in four different ways. I have had to relax my expectations regarding what each child will gain from any given situation. For example, in sports, one child may gain athletic skills, another may grow socially, and just getting a child on the field may be a success.
Meeting each child at their academic, social, and developmental level is challenging, but it can be done! Take note of their strengths. Take note of their weaknesses (yet don’t make it a big deal or point it out to them.) Challenge them. Help them grow as individuals. Luckily, being so different, they can actually help each other… the benefit of polar-opposite twins!
Amber Domrese is a mom of two (TWO!) sets of twins. Thomas and Joshua are 9 years old and Katie and Molly are 5 years old. Married for twelve years, her husband is an accountant and in the Air National Guard. She is a “retired” kindergarten teacher turned stay-at-home mom who has recently returned to the world of education as a substitute teacher. In her spare time (is there such a thing?) she coaches her children in soccer and basketball, teaches Sunday School, and plays on two volleyball teams (one with her husband – we call that “built in date night”).
