Sharing is something we try to instill in our children from a very early age. But what if we didn’t ALWAYS insist that they share all the things that are theirs? Read all about one twin mom’s parenting decision of “Why I Don’t Make My Twins Share.”
Sharing became a hot topic in our house when my twins hit toddler years and began fighting over everything. They fought over clothes, toys, and even their car seats. Unlike siblings of different ages, each twin had the same pool of toys and clothes to choose from. I figured twins would fight over stuff, but it turned out they were really fighting for their own space and identity.
They were developing as people, and they did not want another child in their house with the same likes and dislikes, belongings, and accomplishments. At their young age, these things were synonymous with being an individual, and they innately felt the need to distinguish themselves from their twin with their differences. In fact, they decided early on they could not even have the same favorite colors.
They spend almost every waking moment together and have the expectation to share all their belongings, attention, and personal space. They desperately wanted something of their very own. When I imagined myself in their little cannoli shoes, I had a reality check. I decided then and there that I was no longer going to make my twins share everything.
What I don’t make my twins share
Clothes
First things first, each kid needed their own space for clothing. I split up the dresser and closet and gave each twin half. Next, I divided everything up based on what I knew they liked to wear and their favorite colors (fortunately, one likes pink and purple, and the other likes yellow and green).
I wasn’t sure how they’d react to the changes. I expected them to feel upset that their sibling now had half of their clothes, but they were ECSTATIC.
They loved having things they could call their own. I could see the relief on their faces. They no longer had to worry about fighting to the death for what they wanted to wear each morning.
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Toys
When it comes to sharing toys, I really like Montessori’s method of taking turns rather than forced sharing. “Instead of asking a child to share their activity with someone else, in Montessori schools, the ground rule is that we share by taking turns,” explains The Montessori Room. I teach my twins they can play with anything that is available, and they do not have to give it up until they are ready to stop playing with it. If the other twin is playing with something, it is not available. They can ask to use it, but “No, I’m not done yet” is a completely acceptable answer.
When I force my twins to give up something they are not done with, I am making them share. This may foster resentment and undermine the purpose of sharing for kindness. I want my kids to share because they want to.
Car Seats and Strollers
To prevent fighting over which car seat is theirs and on which side of our massive double-wide stroller they each sit, I designated a side for each of them and let them personalize it with some stickers. Now, they are excited to get into THEIR car seat, and they even get in the car a little faster.
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Things my twins MUST share
There are some things that they still must share just by nature of being siblings if not twins.
Friends
They are still in the same preschool class, so they naturally have the same friends. They receive invitations to the same birthday parties and playdates. Thankfully, sharing friends has not posed an issue, but I do anticipate it to arise as they get older.
Big-ticket Items
They LOVE to play (by play, I mean pound) on our digital piano. Yes, they fight over it, but I am not buying another piano. We do, however, emphasize taking turns and waiting until it is available.
Bedroom and bathroom
Sharing a bedroom is bittersweet because one twin needs much less sleep than the other, and I worry she does not let her sister sleep as much as she needs. However, the amount of fun they have getting into trouble and playing together in their room is what has convinced me to keep them together, at least for a while longer.
6 reasons why I don’t make my twins share
1. Even though they’re twins, they’re still their own people. As they grow up, twins usually point out how different they are from each other. It starts early, especially when they’re fighting over stuff. My twins won’t even agree on having the same favorite color! To help them be their own person, parents can let them have things that are just theirs. It’s not just about stuff; twins also need attention that’s just for them, not always shared with the other twin.
2. Forced sharing disrupts crucial playtime. Play is the means through which they learn, grow, and build confidence. Interrupting play to force a child to give up their toy disrupts this developmental process, preventing the child from satisfying this need.
3. Waiting for their turn teaches kids to control themselves, be patient, and get creative while waiting. Instead of expecting things on the spot, they learn to find something else to do or wait until what they want is free. It’s a crucial lesson when they’re told “no” by another kid – that’s where self-control and coping skills kick in. And hey, parents can totally lend a hand with those emotions! Dealing with “no” is tough, even for some grown-ups.
4. Assigning ownership of belongings takes the stress off your twins from feeling like they need to fight to claim things or worry that someone is going to take something that is important to them. Toddlers, in particular, become very attached to things (I’ve seen my kids take toothbrushes or even spatulas to bed). If they know something belongs to them (okay, maybe not the spatula), they don’t fear the other twin claiming it as their own.
5. Forced sharing can build resentment and defeat the purpose of sharing to be kind. Turn-taking is a more positive approach. As a parent, you don’t want to be the constant referee for your twins. If you’re always stepping in, the twin who has to give stuff up might end up feeling mad at you or their sibling. It’s better to let them figure things out themselves and introduce the idea of taking turns. That way, each twin gets their fair playtime with something until they’re satisfied.
6. There are better ways to teach empathy and kindness. The idea of having to give something up when you’re not done using it doesn’t often carry over into adulthood. If my adult sister approached me and demanded to use my phone or start reading a book I was reading, I would not give either to her until I was finished. The lesson is two-fold for children (especially twins). It is an opportunity to teach one twin about waiting until something is available or asking if it is not theirs. It is also about allowing the other twin to use something until completion and creating awareness that someone else is waiting for their turn. The sharing eventually happens because they are learning empathy, not because an adult told them to.
I am definitely more mindful of planning one-on-one time (aka, Time Apart From Sissy, or TAFS) with each twin. When they don’t have to fight for attention and belongings I actually noticed an increase in empathy. They are naturally more generous with each other.
When it comes to gift giving, many gifts will only have one name on them, especially clothing. I will buy them their own small toy, but if the gift is something they can use together, I expect it to be used that way. Or at least to take turns and patiently wait for each other to finish.
Maddison Ellison is a mom to vibrant and mischievous twin toddler girls. She works as a nurse in the Denver metro area and enjoys getting outside with her twins, husband, and sheepadoodle, Rosie. Maddison is inspired by health, wellness, the magic of everyday life, and of course, coffee.
