No Do-Overs: Missing The Wisdom That Comes With Parenting Experience

Last updated on November 19th, 2021 at 09:41 am

I know that I should strive to be as positive as possible about the joys of twins, and be ever thankful for our double blessing (and I truly am overwhelmingly grateful). Tonight, though, as I was struggling to deal with a bedtime issue (I naively thought those were over now that they are six years old), I realized that there is one thing I really regret about twins being my only children… I don’t have a “do-over child!”

Two “spirited” children are all that my husband and I can handle, emotionally and financially. So, my twins are, and will be, my only two children. The problem is that since they were born on the same day, are obviously the same age, and hit stages and milestones at basically the same time, they witness our efforts to teach them to navigate society and become good people together. That also means that they bear the brunt of all of our parenting mistakes (and there have been many) together, and we don’t have a chance to “get it right” with the next child.

Before my twins even celebrated their first birthday I knew that I had made a big mistake allowing the bedtime routine to become ridiculously long. When the kids were around three years old, I began to regret not being a stronger enforcer of a “clean up after yourself” policy. I recognized (but didn’t know what to do about it) that whining was becoming a way too often used tactic when the twins were five. Now, at six years old, as I coerce them to do hours of homework the night before it is due, I know that I should have made thirty minutes a night non-negotiable from the beginning.

Luckily, I still have time to instill new school year routines, and to turn a deaf ear to whining, and to require that all toys be picked up each and every evening. Doing all of that retroactively is hard, though. Much harder than getting it right the first time. One book, one kiss and hug, and no more talking after lights out is a much more manageable directive for a younger child than my feisty, strong-willed 6-year-old daughter. The threat of throwing away toys that are left on the floor at night has more of an impact when your son is not old enough to call your bluff (or retrieve them from the trash can). If I was to welcome a third child, I know that I would make a lot of different parenting decisions.

I have many friends who, upon the birth of their second child, became completely different parents. The sniffles and fever that had them calling their pediatrician at midnight, barely registers on the concern meter with the sibling. The second child is often expected to adapt way more than the doted on and coddled first child (or children), and the parents are often more adaptable too – knowing this time around that a missed nap or a vegetable-less dinner is not the end of the world. I sometimes long for that wisdom that comes with experience. When tackling parenting conundrums I, admittedly, often wish for the luxury of hindsight when making decisions.

When twins are your first and only children there are no “do-overs.” There have been many nights that my husband and I re-hash parenting decisions we made throughout the day or week, and have genuine regret about how we handled the situation. I have had to challenge my initial parenting reaction and think creatively about how to handle tricky situations on the fly, and I know that with more forethought and experience that response would be a lot different (and probably a lot better). As they get older those challenges seem to be even more important. When my son tells me that “nobody at school will be friends with him” or when my daughter stands in front of the mirror sucking in her stomach and exclaims that she is happy that she is “skinny” (she’s SIX!), I know that what I say and do really matters.

Of course, the answer or response would not be flippant or reactionary even if I had a younger child simply because I had another chance to do it better the next time. But I sure would enjoy the “heads up” that having an older child gives you when faced with the same issues with the second. If I was granted a rewind I would be a lot more careful about what my daughter sees and hears about body image. I would have separated my children sooner in their preschool class to help give my son social skills that he didn’t have to develop because his sister made friends for him. With a second child I would know that learning to “fit in” on the playground is as important as knowing ABCs and 1-2-3s. I would be sure to teach, from an early age, that who my daughter is, and all that she can do, is way more important that what she looks like.

Perhaps, though, the lesson is that you can never get it just right. Whether you have an only child (or only twins), or a whole house full of little ones, you probably agonize over what discipline method is most effective for that individual child and what messages each child most needs to hear. There is no one-size-fits-all parenting strategy – and that’s something I need to remind myself next time I am second-guessing my MoM decisions. I may not have the chance to be a more prepared, more thoughtful parent with a second (third) child, but I do have the opportunity to grow and learn WITH my children – and that’s a very good thing.

Shellie Fossick is “mom” to 5 year old boy/girl twins. She is also the Development Director for a non-profit organization that provides high quality early care and education for more than 400 low-income children in Middle Tennessee. She lives in Nashville, TN with her husband and two children.

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