The Mental Load that No One Warns You About

The mental load of motherhood never truly stops, leaving us mentally exhausted even when sitting down. Over time, it can lead to burnout, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed. We’re always “on,” and while it often goes unnoticed, the stress of it can take a toll on our well-being, even though it is what keeps everything in the household running smoothly.

The Mental Load of a Twin Mom

As a twin mom, the mental load begins before my day even starts. I often wake up to my internal alarm clock hours before the actual one, already exhausted. I stumble out of bed, eyes half open, and head to the kitchen. The moment I open the fridge to start breakfast, my mind starts racing. I stare at the shelves and remember we’re out of milk. The empty fridge shelves make me think about dinner and what I will cook. Guilt quickly sets in on how we should eat healthier, so I add a few “nutritious” items to the grocery list, determined to finally make a change.

As I walk through the kitchen, I step on crumbs left from some day in the distant past, and I’m reminded that the floor needs cleaning. The sticky counters and messy table catch my eye, adding a deep clean of the kitchen to my ever-growing mental to-do list. The dishes need washing. The trash is overflowing, and laundry—forgotten in the washer—will need another rinse and will hopefully make it to the dryer this time. I glance at my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I walk by and realize I could use new clothes—something without stretchy waistbands and oversized shirts.

My thoughts quickly shift to the kids. I think about the developmental activities I saw on Instagram and worry if I’m doing enough for them. Are they keeping up? Should I be doing more? All this while juggling wake windows, feedings, diaper changes, and potty training. As I move through the house, my to-do list feels endless. To think this all began with just opening the fridge. This constant feeling of being overwhelmed is the mental load I carry as a twin mom. It’s a weight that never lets up, leaving me exhausted, stretched thin, and stuck in survival mode day after day.

What is the Mental Load?

The mental load refers to the invisible and often unacknowledged tasks we carry as moms. It includes the planning, organizing, and worrying. It’s the cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household and the chaos of having a family. For twin moms, this load is incredibly heavy.

The Invisible Task List

Daily tasks like meal planning and preparation involve creating weekly menus, grocery shopping, tracking pantry supplies, and cooking and cleaning up after meals. House cleaning includes everything from daily tidying and regular tasks like vacuuming and dusting to deep cleaning jobs such as washing windows and appliances. Laundry is a never-ending cycle of sorting, washing, drying, folding, and putting clothes away, while dishes—whether using the dishwasher or hand-washing—are a constant chore. Weekly or bi-weekly responsibilities include taking out the trash and recycling, managing bills, sticking to a household budget, and doing yard work like mowing lawns or shoveling snow. Home maintenance, such as scheduling repairs, changing filters, and handling car upkeep, also demands attention. Then there are periodic tasks like coordinating family schedules, from medical appointments to extracurriculars, planning family events, organizing travel, managing paperwork, keeping technology up to date, and caring for pets. On top of it all, there’s the need to ensure household security, keep essentials like toilet paper and cleaning supplies stocked, and somehow carve out time for self-care amidst it all.

For twin moms, this list expands even further. We have to coordinate and track baby feeding schedules, prepare bottles or meals, and synchronize nap times and bedtime routines. Managing sleep regressions and nighttime awakenings for two children adds to the complexity. Keeping track of diaper supplies, handling diaper changes, and managing potty training for two toddlers at once are also part of the routine. Health appointments, from regular check-ups to any specialized therapies, are another layer of responsibility, as is monitoring each child’s milestones and engaging in activities to support their development. On top of that, there’s the emotional and social well-being of both children, coordinating playdates and ensuring they are emotionally nurtured.

Are you overwhelmed? I am, and this list doesn’t even include the physical care tasks we are doing for our twins and other children. This is JUST the mental load.

The mental load of managing these tasks can feel overwhelming, especially for twin moms. From daily routines to long-term planning, the responsibilities quickly add up. Often, no one fully realizes just how much work goes into keeping everything running smoothly. Sharing this load with a partner can help balance the household and lighten the mental burden we carry.

It makes sense that twin moms feel overwhelmed, exhausted, irritable, worried, angry, impatient, resentful, and stuck in survival mode. It’s a natural response to the immense responsibility of managing a home and caring for twins.

What can we do about the mental load?

Once we understand the impact of the mental load of motherhood, we can start having conversations with our partners or support networks. Recognizing that this isn’t a quick or perfect process is essential. It will take time and effort, as well as multiple discussions, follow-up, problem-solving, and open communication. Often, our partners don’t see the mental load because it’s invisible, so we need to help them understand it. When having these conversations, avoid using phrases like “helping me,” as it implies that the household responsibilities are solely yours to manage. You and your partner share responsibility for the household, especially since they live there, too. Even if you’re a stay-at-home mom, you’re managing childcare, which is a full-time job in itself.

How to Have the Conversation

Prepare Mentally and Emotionally

Start by reflecting on your feelings and identifying the areas you feel most overwhelmed. Writing these down will help you communicate them more clearly. It’s also important to release any resentment that may have built up from uncommunicated frustrations. Resentment often stems from miscommunication or a lack of understanding and can be misinterpreted as intentional harm. Consider what outcome you’re hoping to achieve from the discussion. Do you want your partner to take on specific tasks, provide more emotional support, or simply acknowledge what you’re going through? Having a clear goal will help guide the conversation productively.

Choose the Right Time

Pick a calm moment when you and your partner are relaxed—perhaps after the twins are asleep. Avoid starting the discussion when you are stressed or rushed, as that can lead to tension. Create a comfortable setting where you can sit together and talk openly without distractions, ensuring a more productive and understanding conversation.

Starting the Conversation

Begin the conversation by expressing appreciation for what your partner is already doing. Starting with gratitude helps set a positive tone. For example, you might say, “I appreciate how you’ve been handling [specific task], and I know we’re both doing our best to manage everything.” From there, share your feelings openly and honestly, using “I” statements to avoid placing blame. For instance, “Lately, I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed with [specific task], and it’s been hard for me to manage everything.” This approach fosters understanding and opens the door for a constructive conversation.

Discuss Specific Needs

Be clear and specific when sharing what is overwhelming you and what changes you’d like to see. Clearly express what would make a difference, such as, “I would like you to take over [specific task]” or “I need more time for myself during the week—let’s figure out a way to make that happen.” Then, invite your partner to share their thoughts and feelings, making it a two-way conversation where you can work together to find solutions. You might ask, “How do you feel about what I said? Do you have any ideas on how to make this work better for both of us?” This approach encourages collaboration and understanding.

Develop a Plan

To create a practical plan, work together to redistribute responsibilities. This may involve setting up a weekly schedule, assigning tasks, or agreeing on designated “me time” for both of you. Divide tasks based on your preferences and the importance of each task. If you have a specific standard that needs to be met, it’s best to take on that task yourself; otherwise, you may end up taking it back if it’s not completed to your satisfaction. Start small to build momentum. If this is a new approach for both of you, avoid beginning with the most challenging tasks. You might suggest taking turns putting the twins to bed so you each get a break every other night. Regular check-ins are necessary to discuss how the plan is working and make any necessary adjustments along the way.

End on a Positive Note

Conclude the conversation by expressing gratitude for your partner’s willingness to listen and engage in the discussion. This will reinforce the idea that you’re a team working towards a common goal. For example, you might say, “Thank you for understanding—I’m really glad we talked about this. I know we’ll figure it out together.” This will strengthen your bond and leave the conversation on a positive note.

Follow Through

Once you’ve agreed on a plan, it’s time to implement it. Be patient as you both adjust to the new routines and allow for some flexibility during the transition. Keep the lines of communication open by regularly checking in with your partner about how things are going. Celebrate your successes together and remain open to making changes if necessary. It’s also important to give your partner the time and grace to learn and adapt to the new responsibilities through trial and error. If you don’t allow for this adjustment period, frustration can build, leading to micromanaging and undermining your efforts.

Remember to give it time. It’s not going to be a perfect process. This is the hard work we often have to do in a relationship. 

Raising twins is beautiful, but when you carry the entire mental load of raising twins and managing the household, it is overwhelming—both physically and mentally. If we are feeling like we are drowning every day, this is a sign. Your brain is telling you that there’s just too much you are responsible for. Carrying the mental load of twins and our household alone steals our ability to enjoy our life and our twins. It keeps us stuck surviving life. Yes, these conversations are challenging. The result may not be a perfect split of responsibilities, but doing something, even if it’s small, is everything because when we lighten the mental load we are carrying, we increase our capacity to handle the chaos of twins.

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