Finding Intimacy When You Have Multiples

Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:18 am

The word “intimacy” conjures up different images and thoughts for men versus women. More often than not, women probably assume that when a man hears the words “intimacy” or “intimate”, it’s all about sex. To be fair, there is very good reason for that assumption, given that men are not really naturally in-tune with the terms. Society and mainstream media use “intimacy” to convey something of a more sexual nature between men and women, a physical closeness that is both part of that nature and exclusive from it. It has become a term that is more socially acceptable to utter than “sex”.

I would challenge this view. Oh, it isn’t because I view myself as being so much more enlightened than other men. It has taken me many years to learn that intimacy in a relationship goes far beyond the basic assumptions of sex. This is especially true when people have children, and is further heightened as a definite need with those who have multiples in their home.

I was struck by this topic reading some posts on various sites from women who were dismayed that they may never regain the body they had before having twins. They seemed to feel that their partners would never love, desire, or appreciate them on the same level again. Pregnancy can ravage a woman’s body, as women know far better than I. Social opinions hammer on women’s psyches, telling them they must return to their once girlish figures as soon as possible after giving birth. This can lead to so many detrimental issues, not the least of which is a wife feeling that she is no longer desirable to her husband.

Ladies, I am here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. And guys, it’s time to redefine the term “intimacy” in our heads to better suit ours and our partner’s needs.

So, let’s dig into it. What is the actual definition of “intimacy”? “Close familiarity or friendship; closeness.” Ah, how that differs from the use of it to denote something of a more sexual nature. It’s no secret that once a couple has children, their sense of closeness can wane, primarily due to simply being exhausted. In my own marriage, we both work full-time jobs, commute a significant distance on days we do not work from home, placing our twins plus one into the care of a very good daycare provider. Evenings are spent struggling to commute back home in a reasonable time to pick our brood up and then get home, to make dinner, to give baths, to try and squeeze in some quality time with each, even as we just want to get them to bed…and then ourselves to relax one-on-one before heading off to sleep in order to do it all over again the next day. This leaves relatively little time for something that falls within the current societal definition of intimacy…but it does lend itself to small gestures that are perhaps more intimate at times than anything else that could be explored. A look, a touch in passing, a stolen kiss when the kids are not looking (or even if they are who cares?). These things keep us connected.

Here is what I have personally found works in maintaining a level of intimacy within our very busy schedules. Touch is important. Walking by each other, touching an arm or a hand, rubbing the other’s shoulders briefly as they cook or do dishes, kisses on the cheek or lips in passing…these all work quite well. Hugs, holding hands, sitting close together while just watching TV. Being verbally appreciative of what the other is doing or does around the house helps as well. And ladies, all of this goes for you as well. Don’t expect this to be a guy-exclusive action that needs to be done. We men love it when you do these things. A playful grab or spank to the butt is fun and I am pretty sure I can again speak for most guys in saying it goes a long way. We want to feel loved and desired as much as you do. Intimacy must be a reciprocal activity or it simply doesn’t work.

Intimacy can also take the form of your daily communication with each other. Learn how to flirt again, send sexy emails, instant messages, text messages, or even phone calls (nothing more appreciatively distracting than to retrieve that voicemail and hear how much one is loved and wanted). Trust me. TRUST ME. It works.

So…we have established that intimacy is not just a term to describe something of a sexual nature. We have brought it back to its core definition: closeness. At this point, I did want to bring it somewhat full circle and address intimacy in the general form most assume it represents. Yes, sex. As a busy couple and as parents of multiples, it can be incredibly difficult to find the time and energy to be active and enthusiastic bedroom partners. I am not just speaking for myself, but for all parents of multiples. We are tired; we get frustrated with the kids, with our work, with domestic chores, with other responsibilities that pile up. The trick is to not simply find the time for each other, but to make the time for each other. A tall order, at best, but one that we all must accept and implement. Kids taking naps? Make the time. Kids in bed for the night? Make the time. Kids at school? Make the time.

There is, of course, the consideration of moving slow right after the little ones are born. Many women feel pressured to jump right into action too soon after. Guys, keep in mind your partner’s physical and emotional limitations in this fragile time-frame. Focus on the small picture and how it can affect the big picture. Accept that it can take about a year before the two of you can really get back into the swing of things. This is when the gestures discussed above can really come into play and keep both of you connected, especially through the entire adjustment period after birthing. If we can just do that for each other, a certain balance can be restored and, I think, help us to connect not simply with each other, but to demonstrate to our kids the true nature of love and partnership.

And, really, isn’t what it is all about?

Sean Patrick Thompson lives in the Central Valley of Northern California and is father to boy/girl twins Keira and Liam and their older brother Devlin as well as being married to his lovely wife Amy for 8 years. He currently works in Silicon Valley as a Technical Writer/Editor and has previously written music and band review articles for The Examiner and other blog sites. Having twins has provided a unique perspective on fatherhood for him and he hopes that sharing this helps other men – both experienced and expecting – to feel more comfortable and have more fun in their roles as dads of multiples.