Embracing Identical Twin Differences

Last updated on September 28th, 2021 at 01:58 pm

As parents of twins, there are a handful of questions you learn early on will always be asked by curious relatives, friends, or even strangers. Are they twins? Are they similar or different? Do they talk in special twin language or do they read each other’s minds? Can you tell them apart? What twin differences are there?

The questions start immediately. From the first moment my twins took their first breath to now-14 years later, the questions never stop. You get use to them-anticipate them even. You have standardized answers that begin to feel scripted at times. And yes I admit there were times the questions were irritating or felt intrusive. But eventually, I just came to accept them as part of the whole twin parenting experience.

But the part I still struggle with is the underlying theme that all of these questions have in common-individuality. This one single word is likely the most challenging part of parenting identical twins. As twins get older, the more difficult it seems to get.

It is not that my identical twins don’t have their own individuality or that we struggle to treat them as their own individual selves. It’s that there seems to be this pressure on them that they are constantly having to prove themselves as individuals, to prove their twin differences. As their mom, I too feel like I am always under pressure to ensure they are pursuing their own individual selves.

As babies, they immediately exhibited different traits in their personalities. One depended on a more structured schedule whereas the other was less reliant upon structure. One was more curious whereas the other was more observant. As parents, we knew these differences but to others they went unnoticed. To others, they were just cute twin baby girls. In fact, the more alike they appeared-the more attention they seemed to draw. It was like people loved to find their similarities. But as they got older, people seemed to become more and more curious about whether or not the girls were not only aware but also satisfied with who they were as individuals. It was almost as if these people believed that the girls were too similar and didn’t know they were allowed to be different. We once had a teacher tell the girls they had to stay away from each other at recess because they needed to learn to have different friends and do different things.

But the problem has never been that they are not different or that they don’t like different things, it’s that amongst all of their twin differences, they are also very similar and like similar things. If you haven’t taken the time to really know the girls, you get caught up in how much they look alike or act alike and miss the differences that make them their unique selves.

This perception of them being too similar or not different enough causes them and us as parents to over compensate at times. For the girls, you find them over compensating by the emotion that comes out when they feel like someone is comparing them with their twin. It’s stressful when you know people cannot differentiate between you and someone else so you begin to purposely act and be different than your twin even when those actions aren’t true to your own personal character either. In a time where teenagers are already trying to find themselves, this pressure of being different from your twin makes that journey even more challenging and at times when maybe it shouldn’t have to be.

As a twin parent, I recently had an overcompensating moment when the girls both tried out for the school volleyball team. This was the first time that both of the girls were fighting for the same exact goal that only a select few would achieve. As I was sitting outside the gym with the other parents as the coaches were deliberating on the fate of the roster, I began to panic trying to determine what I would do if one twin made the team and the other did not. All of the parents were sharing their anxieties of hoping they would be going out to celebrate an achievement rather than drying tears of disappointment. I sat quietly keeping my thoughts to myself because internally I was already feeling as though I was being judged for having both of the girls playing the same sport. As if as their mom I should be having them in two different sports. As if I should be solely focused on just being thankful that the coaches were treating them as individuals and evaluating them on their own personal merits as to whether or not they were chosen for the team. I also worried that some parents would be upset if both of my girls made it and would question if the coaches were just favoring the idolization of twins. I should have been able to share in the conversation with the other parents, lean in with them on the anxiety we were all feeling for our children in that moment. Instead, I overcompensated and waited patiently-alone.

But here is what I know-we shouldn’t have to hide our identical twins similarities to ensure they are different people. They can like similar things and have similar personalities and still be individuals. Just as they had different traits as babies, they have different traits as older twins as well. My girls both love volleyball, they both excel in all subjects in school, they are both 14-year-old girls that are slightly boy crazy. But if you look closely enough, you will find that where one is an excellent hitter, the other is a better setter. Where one finds math comes naturally, the other has to work for that A. And boys… let’s just say they have very different tastes in the types of boys they like.

My advice, help your identical twins be comfortable in their similarities-the differences come naturally. It is not your job to force it or the job of your twins to prove their differences to anyone!

Shannon Jones is a Change Management Specialist by day-freelance writer by night. She has a 17 year old son getting ready to graduate high school and 14 year old identical twin girls. She and her hsuband grew up in Colorado and have loved raising their children there but love to travel, see new places and seek out fun eating experiences.