How Introverted Parents Can Cope With Twins

Last updated on August 18th, 2023 at 02:10 pm

If you’re an introvert, you probably find great comfort in being home, where you recharge after being “on” for your job, friends, and the rest of the world. You thrive with space to think and quiet time without others’ demands. But if you’re an introverted parent — and a parent of multiples, at that — you may struggle with turning “off.” In fact, parenting twins probably presents many challenges, from the increased attention when you are out with your kids to the barrage on your senses of extra noise, touch, and so much clutter.

It starts, for many of us, with a larger than average baby bump. A quick trip to the grocery store can quickly turn into a game of 20 Questions, many of which are startlingly personal. Boys or girls? IVF? Vaginal or cesarean? Will you breastfeed them? Then these perfect strangers play 6 Degrees of Random Twins, telling you all about their mother’s cousin’s friend’s twins. If you’re in a hurry or just not feeling chatty, these little interactions can feel like a hostage situation. And unfortunately, it’s just a warm up for the attention parents of multiples face when the babies are on the outside.

The infant and toddler stages with one baby are brutal on several fronts — lack of sleep, extra noise and touch from the baby’s crying and constant closeness, and the clutter of burp rags, bottles, baby gear, and more. With two (or more) babies, the sensory overload multiplies. They cry at the same time. There are two bouncers to trip over, double the piles of laundry, the extra mental taxing of keeping straight which baby got fed when. And if you have babies that want to be in contact with you all the time or you choose to breastfeed, your body never gets a break.

Then there’s the isolation. Introverts need periodic solitude, but staying home to care for two or more babies definitely does not count. Introverts need not only alone time, but also deep, meaningful connection with others, in the form, perhaps, of stimulating intellectual conversation — hard to get from babies and hard to fit in with your partner or a friend.

Child care for two babies is expensive, limiting your time away. Even in a two-parent home, when one takes a baby, there’s still another baby, so you may rarely be alone even when your significant other pulls his or her weight. And going anywhere with young twins involves extra gear, extra time, extra planning. Your once-peaceful, beautiful home may feel less like a sanctuary and more like an amusement park with its overload of sensory input.

So what can introverts do to avoid feeling overly taxed or burned out from parenting multiples? First, we have to recognize that it’s vital to our well-being and that of our families to take care of ourselves. Then, we have to get a little creative. If money were no obstacle, hiring help would be a good start. Night nurses, postpartum doulas, housekeepers, mother’s helpers, and babysitters can all ease your burden, whether by affording you more uninterrupted sleep, taking the dishes off your long list of chores, or letting you leave your house for an hour to do something that fulfills you.

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But many parents can’t afford the level of help we really need or aren’t practiced at prioritizing our own needs, and in that case, it’s time to set up small rituals or spaces that bring peace. Do you need to wash your face to feel clean at the end of the day? Do you need one corner of your home to always be organized or free of baby things? Does music or a bath or a favorite coffee mug comfort you? It’s manageable to fit in many of the things that soothe us in small doses. I sometimes feel frustrated at the assumption that getting child care for two babies and affording a spa day is a real possibility for everyone. For many, such an indulgence is rare. That’s why I’m a fan of little pleasures. Getting your partner on board to set small limits (no clutter on the desk, 5 minutes without the kids to brush your teeth, a shower first thing in the morning) can go a long way toward giving you some structure where there is a lot of chaos.

Even better, see if your partner will take the kids for a brief time, regularly, so when you feel out-touched and over-stimulated you know when your next reprieve will come. You can trade 20-minute self-dates so there’s balance with your partner — an easier sell than negotiating a three-hour block for a mom’s night out. And commit to your time. Leave the house for a walk or lock the room and play music you like so you won’t hear any crying. (Single parents, heroes that they are, may need to find help from a loved one or really maximize times when the babies are asleep – less Facebook, more meditation time, perhaps.)

It’s also possible to center yourself with your kids around. Will they play with water for ten minutes straight while you write in your journal? Or, a brisk 30-minute walk pushing them in a stroller provides you two important benefits — exercise to boost endorphins and time (and quiet) for your mind to wander a bit. Maybe your toddlers will do yoga with you, an activity that always results in big laughs at my house.

All parents, but especially introverts, need to recharge in order to feel good and to give more to our families. As parents of multiples, the burden is greater and the need is stronger for recuperation. But it’s not impossible! What brings you comfort or joy? See what you can work into your busy life. It’s worth it.

Melanie Sweeney is a writer and stay-at-home mom to a 4-year-old son and twin toddler daughters. Her nonfiction chapbook on pregnancy, motherhood, and the body, Birds as Leaves (2015), is available from The Lettered Streets Press. Her other work has appeared at Babble, in Multiples Illuminated: A Collection of Stories and Advice From Parents of Twins, Triplets and More as well as Mom Egg Review and others. Melanie blogs about parenting and more at melaniesweeney.com

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