Handling the Death of a Loved One With Your Kids

Last updated on November 20th, 2023 at 07:31 pm

Hands down, the roughest day of motherhood yet was the day of my father in-law’s funeral. Three inconsolable little kids in a tiny country church full of people who shared their community with Grandpa for almost 40 years. My husband could hear their sobs through the microphone that was setup to project music, but he was frantically writing his eulogy in the basement. By that time, I was out of things to say that would comfort them; the hurt was done. His death and the week had taken a toll on all of us. First, having to explain that Grandpa was really sick and then having to tell them that he was gone. Looking back I am increasingly thankful for two things that I probably take for granted: family and our children’s bond.

I give my husband all the credit in the world for how he handled the rough time leading up to his father’s passing and the week after. He somehow managed to balance a new job, traveling the hour to and from his hometown to spend time with his family, and still be engaged as a dad. For the first few days after Grandpa’s health greatly declined, we didn’t say anything to kids because, honestly, we didn’t know what to say. New information came with every check in and I don’t think anyone was prepared to lose him so suddenly. This was a first for me, as I felt split in my duties: staying home with the kids to keep things ‘normal’ or dropping them off with family to be there for my husband. Thankfully, on the night he did pass I was there to support my husband and in-laws.

Both my husband and I had lost grandparents when we were young. I actually lost all my grandparents before the age of six, roughly the age our twin girls were when this happened. But for the life of us, we could not recall what our parents had said to comfort us or what helped, we just recall the pain and the missing.

We briefly consulted KidsHealth.org, which is a website that helps explain what to say to your child or how they might react when a loved one dies. The information was all very simple, but the execution was nearly impossible. The morning we told our children about their Grandpa, all three had different reactions, despite our girls being identical twins. Once I had explained the finality of Grandpa being ‘gone’ and it had time to sink in, Ruthie lost it. Her reaction didn’t surprise me, as both our girls are, what I would call, bleeding hearts; very sensitive to the feelings of others. My mom took her out on the front porch to impart some wisdom only a grandmother could; telling her Grandpa was in the clouds watching over all of us. Our other daughter, Eva, kept asking questions, almost as if this was a prank. We answered as best we could, but it just sank in how little they were and what a grown up thing we were asking them to understand. Our son, Abe, who had just turned four, didn’t seem to get it. He was very sympathetic, especially to his Daddy, but didn’t really have much to say after that.

After worrying all week about the lasting effects of this major life event, it was the day of the funeral services I saw all three of our kids bond together and conquer it together. Half way through the services it dawned on me to let our sobbing twins sit together. The twin bond did not fail as they put their heads together and quietly comforted each other. Across my lap was one twinnie hand holding their brothers hand while he sat plastered to his dad’s side. Upon arriving at the church with just his mom and sisters, my son was very unsettled until he saw his daddy. Then he kept asking for Grandpa, half expecting him to walk through the doors of the church. We got many compliments that day about how well behaved our kids were or how brave they are. We always liked hearing those kind words, it mattered more to us as parents that healing had started. It didn’t seem to matter that we didn’t have all the magical fixes.

It has only been a few months since Grandpa has been gone and some days are rough. Some days Abe shares a memory he has with Grandpa and it makes my husband cry. The girls still find clouds in the sky and wave. This year of ‘firsts’ without him will be difficult, but we just remind our kids that everything they’re feeling is OK and they’re not alone. I am reminded that through all the hurtful things life might throw at our kids, they’ll have each other through it all.

Leah Bryant is a stay at home mom of three, identical twin girls and a son. She is a proud Kansas native (insert favorite Toto quote here) and currently resides in the Kansas City metro area. Besides being constantly surprised by the wonders of raising twins and caring for her family, Leah’s hobbies include cooking/baking, gardening, reading actual grown up books along with Dr. Suess, and cheering on her favorite home-grown sports teams. Leah also meets the challenge of keeping up with Sonny, the newest member of the family. He is an American Eskimo dog the family adopted after he was rescued from a puppy mill.

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