Last updated on November 24th, 2023 at 10:18 pm
A friend of mine told me she had a “shocking” story to tell of cruelty on the preschool playground. Apparently three girls (ages 4 and 5) cornered a classmate of theirs, took him to the ground, and began to hit and kick him. Inquiries after the incident revealed that the girls had plotted to gang up on their “friend” because that was what their newly formed “girls only club” thought would be a “fun” playground activity. Sadly, after just one year of watching my twins suffer through the trials and tribulations of friendships in elementary school, I was far from shocked at the tale of kids being mean, even at such a young age.
My daughter came home from Kindergarten, shortly after school had started, and told me story after story about two girls in her class who were behaving exactly like the “mean girls” I remember from middle school. They would make fun of what she was wearing (they wear uniforms!), tell her she wasn’t allowed to play with them or be their friend because she was too small, or too young, or once even because she has a brother! My son was not enduring the same mind games, but he began to talk about friends who were aggressive and others that he noticed were not “being nice.” We began to discuss friendship and the importance of being kind, each night, with both of our children. We were still under the impression, though, that true bullying and cruelty could not be happening yet since the kids were only 5 and 6 years old.
Then, my daughter suddenly started proclaiming that each of the formerly mean girls were now her “best friends.” Some days she would say only one of them was her friend, and seem to be excluding the other. It was becoming a complicated friendship triangle to follow, but one thing was clear – it seemed that my daughter was now behaving like those girls in order to fit in and I feared that she had decided that her strategy was to join them if she couldn’t beat them. As much as I don’t want my children to be the victim of cruel friends, I also want them to know that it is NOT okay to be the one being mean. It became apparent that we needed to get more serious in our efforts to help them maneuver the world of elementary school friendships. In addition to continuing to encourage our children to be nice to everyone, even going so far as to make it our “family motto,” we also decided that we would implement four primary family “rules.”
Always Try to Model Good Friend Behavior
This one applies to us, as parents, as well as our children. My husband and I usually try to be kind to all we meet, but we decided to make a special effort to demonstrate exceptionally nice behavior. Whether in a restaurant or at the doctor’s office, we smile and are friendly to those we encounter and encourage our twins to do the same. We try to set an example of how they should behave with their peers and hope that their “monkey see-monkey do” approach to life carries over to how they act with friends. We also ask them to show their classmates how to be a good friend, by being one themselves!
Follow the “Golden Rule.”
An oldie, but a goodie – treat others as you want to be treated. When talking to my daughter about her friends and how they were treating each other and other classmates, I always asked her how she felt when they were being mean to her and how she thought others felt when they were left out or told they couldn’t play with them. It may be common sense to adults and older children, but young ones sometimes need to be reminded that their friends have feelings too.
Don’t Be Afraid to Say “I’m Sorry.”
6 year olds are emotional creatures. Outbursts and flaring tempers are to be expected. What cannot be tolerated is being unapologetic if something mean is said in anger or frustration. I have overheard numerous squabbles between my two that end in “you’re not my friend/brother/sister anymore” or “I don’t like you!” Since my twins were little I have made them apologize to each other if they are mean, and now that they are broadening their friends circle I remind them often to also tell others they are sorry if they do or something that isn’t nice. Sorry doesn’t always fix it, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Don’t Be Mean Back
My twins, unfortunately, have lots of practice trying to get this one right. Many times I have caught the tail end of a scuffle between my two only to hear “s/he did it first” (in the whining voice that is likes nails on a chalkboard). I have tried to explain that just because she “accidentally” spilled yogurt on your homework doesn’t mean that you do the same to hers. Similarly, I tell them that if someone does something mean to you, the best response is not to respond. I encourage them to understand that it is not their fault that someone is being mean and that sometimes letting it roll off their back gets them to stop.
There are, of course, lots of different strategies for dealing with mean girls and bullies. I have also told my children not to be afraid to tell an adult, or to walk away and avoid contact if they just can’t see eye to eye with someone. To me, the absolute best way to deal with cruel friends, though, is to talk to your child about friendship and what kind of person you expect them to be, explain the importance of kindness, and make sure your child is not the one being mean!
Shellie Fossick is “mom” to 9 year old boy/girl twins. She is also the Development Director for a non-profit organization that provides high-quality early care and education for more than 400 low-income children in Middle Tennessee. She lives in Nashville, TN with her husband and two children.
