The Twin Struggle: Who Gets To Go First?

Last updated on August 4th, 2023 at 08:52 am

A Mom recently asked:

My boys are 5 now and the problem that were having is that they fight over who gets to go first. Into the car, the shower, the grocery store, haircuts, everything! I’ve explained to them that since there are 2 of them, they can’t go first every time. Any words of wisdom from parents with older twins?

Here’s what our Twiniversity fans had to say!

We use the odd\even day approach. Not only would they get to go first, choose TV, games, etc. but they are also responsible for some jobs, tidy up toys, dishes, etc.

For each chore they do, they get a marble with their favorite color, and it goes into a jar. More marbles, more opportunity to be selected to go first when mom draws a marble out of a hat before it’s time to leave.

We started with bath rotating nights. It’s on our calendar. They made the extension to other stuff. Whoever has the 1st bath also gets to pick 1st show on TV, brush teeth, kissed goodnight. Anything that comes up that day. No changing, no switching no matter what so that each night doesn’t become a bargaining to switch.

We learned early on never to try to make the competitiveness a motivator, like “who can get in the car first?”, because it ended in tears every time. Having a schedule of who went first last time helps in some things, but write it down because their memories always seem to favor their side.

Paper – Rock – Scissors. Best 2 out of 3!!!! We use it to decide everything!

My twin sons are 4.5 years old. A couple of things we’ve done that work are having the boys take turns (ex: you pick the movie today, your brother picks tomorrow), or for situations where taking turns won’t work, we flip a coin. (Twin A is heads, Twin B is tails.)

Odd and even days. The one born first gets odd days the one born second gets even days

I do alternating days. One of them gets Monday, Wednesday, Friday and the other gets Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. I get Sunday. If anything comes down to a choice or decision that I don’t care about, whomever’s choosing day it is gets to make the choice. Typically it’s about which movie to watch. Also, if it’s their day, there is a chore that goes along with that (they are the one to feed the dog that day).

We, too, started the odd/even day at about that age. Can’t argue with the calendar! They are now starting high school AND WE STILL HAVE TO DO ODD/EVEN DAYS! Pick something that is easy and non-negotiable because it may last longer than you think. Calendar works for us because no one (including the referee – me) has to remember who did what last or which day is yours, just check the date!

We take turns being the leader each day. We don’t do odd/even days because some months there are two odds in a row (31/1). The leader gets to make all the decisions on their day – who goes first, what shows to watch, etc. They are able to accept it because they know tomorrow will be their turn. I mark it on the calendar so I don’t forget whose turn it is. My girls are 5.5 years old now & we’ve been doing this for almost 2 years. It’s been life changing. No more fighting over decisions and when there is a fight, it’s usually easily decided with “who’s the leader today?”

Three days crossed off on wall calendar, close-up

We do even/odd day. The twin born 1st gets odd days and 2nd gets even. It took them years to figure out the 31st/1st phenomenon. The twin of the day has the ‘rights’ (ie pick out the movie) and also the responsibilities (his day to put away dishes). Worked for a long time!

All I have to say is this is NOT just a twin thing. This is very much a multi-child family thing. What works for one family may not work for yours or maybe it takes a hodge podge of everyone’s plans here. I have 6 kids. They have designated seats at the table, never changes. If no one can agree, mom intervenes and choses for them. They have their chores, bedtimes, dinners all chosen by mom.

I have 6 year old fraternal boys. We have set days for each one to go first. One is obsessed with being first and the other one doesn’t seem to care that much. When the obsessed one misbehaves I take away his “being first” privileges. It works wonders!

My twins are 8 and they take turns everywhere. They even wait for the other person before pushing an elevator button so they can push it together. Or they negotiate and take turns going first. If they argue, mom gets to decide.

Take turns or race. My kids are big about who gets what. So when I call for dinner, the one to the table first gets to pick where to sit. First one to the truck gets to sit where they want, but then the next time into the truck brother gets to pick first.

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