Last updated on September 28th, 2021 at 01:55 pm
I often get asked what the hardest part about being a twin mom is for me. I’m sure the expected response is that it’s double the work or that I never have any downtime. While it is definitely a lot of work and downtime is a distant memory of childless days gone by, neither of these difficulties compares to the worry that I’m not enough “mom” for both of them. I had a singleton first, so I knew how much attention infants receive. My twins received a third of that on a good day.
Caring for twins often makes you feel like a factory worker on a conveyor belt. For every dirty diaper, there is another one waiting in the wings. Finding time to bond with and give individual attention to each twin is almost impossible. My heart would ache when I couldn’t snuggle an adorably sleepy baby after her bottle, because her twin sister was shrieking for her turn. My heart still breaks when one twin picks the exact moment I settle in for a good cuddle with the other to poop in her pants. Poop always wins.
As my girls have gotten older, I find myself craving the same connection I’ve developed with my singleton. For two years, Veronica received my entire mom focus. Even after the twins were born, we went out of our way to make sure she got her mommy/daddy time. She started kindergarten this year, so my husband and I usually have to divide and conquer when it comes to kid duty. Because of where I worked, I was bringing my oldest daughter to and from school every day while my husband transported the twins. By the time we would finish our nightly (circus) routine, I couldn’t remember if I had even had a conversation with the twins as a pair, let alone individually. I started to miss them even though I technically saw them every day.
So, just as we had to adjust our parenting techniques with twin infants, we realized we were going to have to do the same for twin toddlers. My husband and I decided to be more intentional about how we divided our time between the girls. Although it may seem easier to split the oldest from the twins, it doesn’t always have to be the answer. Each day presents opportunities to squeeze in alone time with each twin.
1. Give them the one thing they DON’T have for their birthday: your undivided attention.
Buying for two girls who have a sister two years older is a challenge. We literally have anything they could possibly want in this house already. It seems silly to buy more of the same toys, so we came up with the idea to give them each a day with just us for their birthday instead of “stuff.” It doesn’t have to be an elaborate adventure. The real gift is your time and attention. Take them to lunch and ask them questions about their life. Even at three years old, my girls always have stories to tell me about their day when prompted. Or better yet, ask them what they want to do. It may surprise you what they say when they aren’t influenced by what the other twin likes to do.
2. Take a twin to run errands alone.
It will be hard at first. My girls were so used to doing everything together that they thought it was a punishment to be separated. Eventually, they realized that being left behind also means alone time with big sis, so everybody wins. I recently took one of my twins, Stella, to the store with me. I noticed little quirks about her that I had been missing and received more Eskimo kisses than I could count. Without her sisters there, she interacted more with other shoppers, and I caught a glimpse of her socializing style. At one point, she was worried that I had skipped someone and loudly proclaimed her disapproval. It was a proud parenting moment to know that she was aware and considerate of those around her. She’s not quite there yet with her sisters (her nickname is “Bulldozer” for a reason), so it was a surprise to see that interaction with a stranger.
3. Seize every moment.
When a twin separates from the pack, I try to check in with her. We usually just chat about what she’s playing with for a few minutes, but even a brief moment gives us both a sense of connection. This is a great way to interact with my quieter twin. Odette doesn’t mind playing alone and is often in the middle of an elaborate imaginary world, so there is always lots to talk about. Even a midnight wake-up can be a chance to embrace alone time with a twin. Trust me, I know these wake-ups are frustrating and exhausting, but they are inevitable. So, why not use them as a way to connect with each twin? You can ask them about their bad dream or commiserate about your own insomnia.
4. Ask one of the twins to help with a household task that you’re working on.
It can be as simple as taking one of them with you to check the mail or letting them keep you company while you cook dinner. I usually cook dinner while my husband bathes the girls. Stella likes to get out first and “help” me cook. The interaction is quickly interrupted after only five minutes, but it’s our five minutes. Also, it’s a rare occasion that at least one of my girls isn’t in my bathroom while I get ready. Initially, I would get aggravated by all the questions and requests to put on makeup. Now, I take advantage of that moment alone with one of my girls.
5. Always say yes to snuggle requests.
With three children aged five and under, there is never the right moment to sit down and do nothing. I used to find myself rushing through a bunch of chores that I thought were so important while ignoring or brushing off the, “I hold you, Mama” pleas. By the time I got the girls to bed, my house was in order but I had missed out on so many cuddles that it wasn’t worth it. I now have a strict rule for myself: All snuggle requests are approved. If I’m rushing from one room to the next, I just pick one of them up and carry them with me. If I’m working on something that can wait (and let’s be honest, most things can wait), I stop what I’m doing and sit with them. Their attention span is so short that it’s usually no more than five minutes before they are running off to play with one of their sisters. To this day, I have yet to regret a single snuggle session, and they always put me in a better mood.
As parents, we can’t always block off big chunks of time, but we can take advantage of the little moments throughout the day. By recognizing these moments and being intentional about how I interact with my twins during those moments, I feel so much better about how much attention they each receive. Because, let’s be honest, this list is more about us than it is about them.
Mandy Roussel is mom to three girls, two of which are twins. When she’s not writing about mom life, she can be found watching too much reality tv, dance partying with her girls, and laughing at/with her husband. You can find more of Mandy’s musings on her blog and on Facebook.
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