Tired of arguing with your partner or spouse over how to parent your twins? This can certain certainly cause friction in a relationship, so we’re here to drop some tips for getting on the same page!
In an ideal world, every set of parents would have the same parenting style, there would be no conflict, and everyone would live happily ever after. However unrealistic this is, it doesn’t mean that happily-ever-after needs to be far out of reach.
Parenting is more than just two people coming together to raise children; it’s also two different pasts, personalities, and beliefs coming together. These competing forces may cause friction at one point or another.
No need to despair though! Keep reading for 8 actionable ways to remediate that friction and find common ground with your parenting partner. All so you can raise happy, healthy, and confident children.
A brief look at parenting styles
First, let’s quickly recall some of the major parenting styles floating around out there. In the 1970s, psychologists identified 4 main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful (for severely uninvolved parents).
Since then, many other parenting styles have come along, such as gentle parenting, attachment parenting, free-range parenting, and helicopter parenting.
Each style has its pros and cons, some with more well-documented success than others. But even in a household with seemingly opposite parenting styles, there are steps you can take to get on the same team. Keep reading for tried-and-true tips for harmonizing your parenting styles.
Got twins? Us too! The Twiniversity Podcast with Natalie Diaz was created BY parents of twins FOR parents of twins, from your pregnancy days through your twin’s teenage years, this podcast covers it all. It’s all about parenting twins, offering plenty of strategies for making life better, parenting hacks, and, of course, humor. We are laughing WITH you every step of the way.
1. Communicate openly and honestly
Talking about your respective upbringings and how they influence your parenting is a good place to start. Maybe your parents did things you want to recreate, or maybe you would like to avoid certain approaches they took. Maybe something happened as a child that causes you to react a certain way to the same trigger as an adult.
Whatever the case, it’s important to be open about these past experiences with your parenting partner. At the same time, be curious and unassuming about your partner’s upbringing. This candid communication will foster the trust, understanding, and empathy that it takes to be a united parenting front.
2. Identify common goals
Rather than focusing on the specific actions you don’t agree on, identify the outcomes you both want. If you agree that the twins’ homework needs to be done before playing outside, it makes it easier to plan together how you will accomplish that.
A good way to start is by creating house rules that support your common goals. Establish some very general and mutually agreed upon boundaries that everyone must follow. This could include: clean up after you finish using something or use respectful language.
Each parent might have slightly different strategies for facilitating the daily routine and helping the kids follow the rules. But in the end, the rules and the consequences shouldn’t change.
3. Compromise and be flexible
Parenting is a partnership. And like any partnership, it comes with a little give and take. Each parent must be flexible in allowing the other to operate within the established guidelines.
Not every situation will be handled by one parent the way the other might imagine is ideal. But a little flexibility, compromise, and grace go a long way.
4. Remain united in front of the children
Having different sets of rules and consequences for each parent confuses kids and may even cause them to play one parent against the other. Decide upon reasonable rules and appropriate consequences that happen when a rule is not followed, and make sure your twins understand in advance.
For toddler years, decide how you will handle tantrums. If you find you disagree on how to handle something, bring it up calmly and respectfully (away from the kids) so that you can talk about finding common ground. In front of the kids, it’s important to maintain a united front and not undermine a partner’s authority.
5. Celebrate each other’s wins and strengths
In the heat of the moment, it can be to easy to focus on the negative. But if you witness your partner’s majestic ability to get your toddler twins into a bath in record time with no tears, don’t forget to say it out loud!
The more attention you place on what’s going well, the more that positive energy will catch on and support your parenting relationship. Remember, parenting twins is a huge undertaking, and you are on the same team. So be each other’s biggest cheerleaders.
6. Commit to regular check-ins
Schedule time to check in regularly about family issues, events, and schedules. A coordinated weekly or bi-monthly date/meeting/whatever you want to call it can go a long way in strengthening your parenting relationship. Put it in your calendar as you would any other appointment. Amidst a busy schedule with twins (at any age), these consistent check-ins are invaluable.
It can also be helpful to debrief after a bad tantrum or situation and check in before big changes, decisions, or expectations. Are you bringing up Santa Clause this year? Do you want the twins to start cleaning up their dishes after a meal? Do you reward for good grades? Connect for a discussion first so you’re both on the same page.
Stressing out with your infant twins? Let us help! Learn what to expect in the first year with twins, including tips, tricks, and advice from real twin parents who have been there. Click here to learn more… and while you’re at it, check out our twin parent coaching services and Twiniversity shop!
7. Model respect and conflict resolution
Children learn habits through observing what’s modeled by their caregivers. This means that as parents, it’s our responsibility to show what conflict resolution looks like in action. Of course, it’s natural to disagree with your partner or spouse in front of your kids. But keep in mind that these moments can be leveraged into learning opportunities for your kids.
While larger disagreements should be resolved in private, you can resolve smaller disagreements in front of your kids. If your kids hear you using manners, asking your partner about their feelings, and showing gratitude, they will also learn to exhibit those behaviors.
8. Seek professional guidance if needed
Taking a parenting class or seeing a counselor together can bring in new ideas as well as help unpack all the factors that contribute to parenting styles.
An unbiased third-party that specializes in relationships and families will help not only with healthy communication skills, but also with helping two adults with conflicting parenting styles find that common ground. There is never a bad time for therapy or counseling!
Final thoughts on different parenting styles
In my household, I tend to be more of a gentle parent, reflective of my upbringing by free-spirited (and very lenient) hippies. My husband lands somewhere between authoritative and authoritarian, reflective of growing up in a military family, (and yes, we are Dharma and Greg).
But we have found a lot of common ground with the tactics listed above. And I have also learned to be so thankful for our differences because of what our children gain from each of us.
Maddison Ellison is a mom to vibrant and mischievous twin toddler girls. She works as a nurse in the Denver metro area and enjoys getting outside with her twins, husband, and sheepadoodle, Rosie. Maddison is inspired by health, wellness, the magic of everyday life, and of course, coffee.
Interested in more articles about parenting styles? Check out these too:
- When Parenting Styles Clash
- Is Your Parenting Style Hurting or Helping Your Twins?
- Gentle Parenting: How Does That Work With Twins?
