Letters to My Younger Self (Before Twins)

Last updated on November 1st, 2023 at 12:22 pm

I’m getting close to a “big” birthday and surprisingly I am not anxious or nervous. I’m in a reminiscing mood. I look at how far I have come in my life. I look back and see the good, horrendous, sad moments, and I see things that shaped me into the person/mother I am today.

It sounds like a horrible cliché right now, but I am the person who firmly believes that everything happens for a reason, even if in that moment I have no idea what that reason is, I will always find a reason. For my “big” birthday I am writing letters to myself in times where I was unsure of what my reason was. You or someone you know may need that extra help finding your reason, I hope that I can help just one person find their “why did this happen to me”.

Loss

Dear Robyn That’s Alone in a Hospital Room,

You are lost, scared, and alone. But you’re not alone. You have become another statistic and it sucks. You were scared last night when you noticed you were bleeding and terrified when you realized that it was way too much and things were not going to be okay. You learned all alone that you were in fact pregnant with twins. You learned last night that there was no option to help you save those babies. Nurses comforted you while you were alone, their words are forever blurred from your mind but you will remember the hand holding, hugs, and soothing voices forever. You will learn from this the true meaning of loss. Yes, you have experienced loss but nothing like this. You are hurt, you are tired, you do not know what is going on but you will be okay. The next few weeks will not make any sense to you and it will be an emotional rollercoaster. He was not there with you in the scariest moment of your life and he is not your happily ever after. It is okay. You will find the strength to pick yourself up and focus on you. You are going to take a HUGE leap and leave your comfort zone and start over. It is not for everyone, but you need this. Why do you need this? I cannot tell you yet, but there are things for you to look forward to and I promise it will be worth the sadness.

Chance

Dear Book Nerd Robyn, (and I wear the title “Book Nerd” proudly)

PUT THE BOOKS DOWN!! You might be wrapped up in a textbook or one of the Twilight books, but you need to put the book down. Your friend will see that you have been wrapped up and to yourself over the past few days and ask you to go out. Go out. You will be sitting at a table and see him across the room. You will make eye contact with him, smile but make sure that you don’t have anything in your teeth. Now, you have built a wall around your heart, I promise that you need to let him chip it away. Remember when you were heartbroken when you moved and started over? This is your reason why it happened. You needed to be here on this day and meet this man. He will be what you are looking for, he will protect you, be there for you when you need it, he will cook AMAZING food for you, he will push you to be the best person you can be. He will be worth it. Go take some risks and put the books down, just for a few hours, they do make bookmarks for a reason.

Trust

Dear Robyn Laying on the Table at the OB/GYN Office,

Remember when you weren’t sure as to why your heart was broken and you met your now husband? He is here for you right now, you needed to experience heartbreak and loss to meet him. He is here. He is holding your hand. Now you’re going to find out again that you are pregnant with twins. Yes, again. Your mind is going to race a million ways; you will have every doubt that history is going to repeat itself. You need to relax!!! I know it’s a scary moment, but you need to enjoy it. You need to take lots of pictures, you need to enjoy the attention, you need to be in the moment and not living in the “what if” part of life. You will have many people come up to you while you’re pregnant, they will all want to touch your stomach, they will tell you how their cousins step-brothers mailman has twins and just let people tell you their stories. One day you will be that person, “oh I have twins too!” and then go offering them the advice that you have. Live in the moment. Don’t be scared. I wish I could have gotten through to you, that your pregnancy was going to be 100% fine. You will learn to love food, probably more than you should, and you will also learn that you won’t be in love with your favorite things. Pregnancy is scary, but live in the moment. And enjoy those nachos!!!

Breathe

Dear New Mom Robyn,

YOU DID IT!!! Whirlwind kind of day you just had. You’re not going to remember it, don’t worry about the pictures and how you look. Remember you just gave birth! Let every single nurse help you in the hospital, you will be on your own when you get home and will be able to snuggle those babies all the time. Just rest. No I’m serious, get some sleep. You will learn that 3 hours of sleep is not enough to function off of.

Breathe Part 2

Dear Mom of Newborns Robyn,

Are you awake? Have you found your LOVE of coffee yet? The bad days will outweigh the good days. You might think that you can’t make it some days, but you do pull through. Looking back a few years later, you only remember the good days. You will remember the laugh worthy “bad days” and in the future they will be so distant that they won’t even matter. Please breathe, the love that those two babies give you and your husband are worth all the moments you cried and wondered if you are a good mother.

Dear Future Twin parents,

This is for all of you. You all have experienced, or will experience, the craziness that is twin parent life. It will be rocky and hard. They will cry, you will cry, they will laugh and you will laugh. Every day will present a new challenge that even the more experienced parents don’t have advice for. That’s the best part of being a parent, it’s scary but the road is worth it. It’s a journey I wouldn’t trade anything for. Being a twin mom has been a crazy ride but without my twins I would be a totally different person. Remember when I said everything happens for a reason? I never knew that loss, heartache, and trust would bring me where I am today.

Robyn Gogue is currently a stay at home mom to her 5 year old fraternal twin daughters, Kayden and Kaylee, and wife to her husband, Roy. She is currently pursuing her career in the medical field. Read more articles by Robyn on Twiniversity.

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