Last updated on November 19th, 2023 at 06:46 pm
I’ve talked to my doctor, social worker, and psychiatrist. Sign here. And here. And here. Initial here. And sign. More talking, more mulling over. Such an official document. I wonder how easy it will be to undo this surgery? If at all. I’ve heard of people having a baby after a failed tubal ligation. No. I can’t think about that now. I’m about to go from mom of one to mother of THREE. Yikes.
I don’t even have names picked out yet for the twins. Am I sure about this? Yes, I’m sure. Wait……nope. I’m sure. Wait. What if my sister wants to borrow my eggs? Can the doctors still do that? Will I still have eggs? Mmm, eggs and bacon. Wait, I have to re-read what they are actually going to do here. Oooh, that’s a lot of detail……crap. I think I AM confused. Good thing they give you 30 days before the birth to decide and sign this. Nope. I’m definitely having this tubal ligation done with the c-section.
That’s little peek into my thought process for the three weeks I was on hospital bedrest and the two weeks of house arrest — err, I mean bed rest — deciding whether or not I wanted to have a tubal ligation along with my c-section. Did I want more children? Was I ready to have my tubes tied? That was a huge question. HUGE. The impending c-section was already looming over me. I had an emergency c-section before with my first son; now I was consciously choosing to add to that pain with another procedure at the same time. If I didn’t do it now, no way would I have the time or the courage to do it once the twins were here. Plus, I was fully aware of the potential complications that I could have with post-tubal ligation syndrome, and that scared the hell out of me.
I was already in the dumps because nothing had gone according to my usual type-A plans during this twin pregnancy. Avoid premature labor: Nope. Avoid an unnecessary hospital stay: Nope, twice (I spent so much time there, I was qualified to give tours.) Avoid leaving my job early in the middle of a very important project that I was enjoying: Nope. I was trapped in this body and had nothing but time for once in my life. Time to think. Time to plan. Time to take action. Time to decide what I could control and what would be the best choice for all of us. We were soon to be a party of four. How could I decide this on my own?
Well, there were a number of things I had to face. I was old according to all of my specialists. They brazenly wrote ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE in giant letters across my charts. Thanks, doctors. I may not have been able to move around very much, but I could still see and comprehend. My eggs were lucky to jump ship together and give me these beautiful babies, that were due at any moment. Thanks for reminding me that my expiration date for being able to have more children was quickly approaching. My marriage was in the straight up crapper with no chance of saving it, but I couldn’t focus on that. I had to bring these babies into the world safely, but more pressingly, find a way to logistically roll myself off this couch and get a snack.
I was the one who always said that I never wanted children because I wanted to experience life. That’s something you say when you are twenty-something and have no clue yet what “life” actually means. I was making two lives, at once, no less. THAT is living. When I had my first child, it was the greatest, most life affirming moment, and I was experiencing all the clichéd descriptions people go on and on about ad nauseum. I was truly “over the moon.” All the trips I’d gone on and adventures paled in comparison to having my little ones. I love being a mom, because being a mom isn’t just something that you do, it’s who you are. The purposeful choice to end that option was really a difficult one for me because I really would’ve liked to have had a fourth (or fifth or sixth) child. So, why did I choose to have the tubal ligation?
Physically, I knew my body couldn’t take another pregnancy. Two c-sections, three kids, and countless complications later, my poor body waved the white flag at the possibility of trudging through it again. The only two things I enjoyed about pregnancy were feeling their kicks and eating delicious food. All of the rest of it was an unequivocal nightmare for me. I was a miserable pregnant lady without a spouse to support me through any of it. I couldn’t do it again. Especially alone.
My marriage had ended during my pregnancy, but we decided to still live in the same house until the babies came and other arrangements could be made. The stress of that debacle is what I’m sure triggered my premature labor. The thought of getting divorced, raising three kids alone, hoping I’d still have a job, and then finding another partner and having another child? Not happening, no thanks!
Financially, my bank account also was squeezed. I work as an independent contractor, so I had no maternity leave pay and no guarantee I’d even get my job back. I was supporting the whole household and the weight of that pressure made me always put myself dead last. Twins are double the fun, double the expense. I knew I couldn’t afford another child in the foreseeable future. And that made me feel like a failure, even though I had worked so hard my whole adult life to hoard the savings I had in anticipation of a situation like this.
It was the right choice for me to have the tubal ligation along with the c-section, but it was a choice I made with my head and not with my heart. When I get to hold a new baby now, my ovaries twitch a little. I opine about how easy it would be to have one baby to tend to, hell, I was a pro at this by now! But, then that baby fusses and I hand them back to their mother and feel…relief. I really don’t want to do it all again. I made the right decision for my family. Now back to raising these kids, despite my ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE!
Daniele Parris is a work from home mom to an upbeat seven year old boy and one year old boy-girl twins. She lives in the suburbs of New York City and has degrees in Fine Arts and Philosophy from New York University. She makes her living in the Healthcare industry and spends most of her time with her boisterous Italian family, trying to get a word in edgewise. Her hobbies include cooking and baking, an unholy knowledge of 80’s hair-metal bands and trying, albeit almost always in vain, to guess the monetary value of the items on Antiques Roadshow. In addition to her full time job, she has an online shop Little Bambinos that specializes in fun clothing for twins and multiples.
