My husband and I went through a raging battle with infertility. After months and months of testing, we learned that we can never have children together. We were devastated and completely broken. A piece of us died when we got this news. Why is this happening to us? We cried. I screamed. I knew I was meant to be a mother and Evan, a father so why was this happening?
Now What?
We contemplated our options and came up with a plan. I want to make it very clear that nothing, I repeat, *NOTHING* is wrong with either of these paths to parenthood. One of my best friends used a donor and she and her husband are now blessed with a perfect son and they are very happy! Also, a few of my friends have pursued adoption successfully and another couple is currently pursuing it, all of whom have BEAUTIFUL families! We just didn’t feel in our hearts that either of these paths was our way into parenthood, though they seemed like the only ways at the time so we came up with an arrangement: we would begin the adoption process and if we weren’t matched by the time we were 29, we would revisit the idea of using donor cells. We weren’t “happy” with the plan, but at least we had a plan.
The idea of never experiencing a pregnancy left me so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. Neither of us felt that a sperm donor was the right choice for us. Then it hit us. If you can get donor sperm and donor eggs, why can’t you get a donor embryo!?
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Donor Sperm + Donor Egg = Donor Embryo
We didn’t even know if this was a thing. I thought I was making it up. We did some research to see if this was, in fact, a thing, and when we had confirmation, we said, “let’s do it.” And that’s exactly what we did! But not just one…
Twin Donor Embryos
We adopted TWINS!
On September 4th, 2018, we transferred two beautiful, hatching embaby twins! We were absolutely elated and petrified at the same time. After so much loss and devastation we’ve already endured, we didn’t know how we could possibly go on if we lost these babies.
Our beta day came and we were thrilled and terrified to learn that we were pregnant! Pregnancy after loss is absolutely terrifying. Being already so fragile, we couldn’t handle another loss. But, one big question still remained: did both our embabies make it?
The Loss of a Twin
When we finally reached our ultrasound day, we got our answer. We were pregnant with a singleton. We lost our other embaby.
The juxtaposition of relief and devastation is so bizarre it’s impossible to describe. On one hand, we were thrilled that we had a beautiful little baby growing inside me! But, on the other hand, our hearts were broken for the twin that would never be.
To add insult to injury, no one seemed to understand this. The comments are always, “oh at least you got one out of it!” As if we didn’t want our other embaby. It makes me sick to this day to hear those words. It’s infuriating and invalidating.
Fast Forward
We now have a beautiful daughter! She is almost 4 years old. She is one half of a set of twins and we have made sure she knows and understands that she has a twin in heaven.
When our daughter turned one, we were already preparing to try to give her siblings! Yes, siblings. We adopted another set of embaby twins and had our second transfer on 6/29/2020.
Surely they would both survive this time. What are the odds we’d lose another twin?
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Loss, again
Apparently pretty good. We were pregnant with one, our son, but we lost his twin. The bizarre, indescribable feeling came rushing back. Elation and devastation together.
The comments still come about how I should be grateful to have the kids I do. Do people really think I’m not? I just want ALL of my children like any mother would. I am not allowed this?
Embryo loss is LOSS.
Infertility is LOSS.
People don’t understand that early loss IS LOSS.
I am a twin mama missing half my twins.
Only those who have lost one of twins (or multiples) will comprehend the huge conflict in emotions The overwhelming joy of one child being with you, but the despair of one running ahead. The utter relief of bringing one of them home but the terrible distress of one empty crib. It is hard to describe, and even harder to experience.
-Zow Clark-Coates The Baby Loss Guide.
Let’s end this on a lighter note!
My kids, though born in two different years, are also twins with each other! Yep, you read that right!
They were conceived in the same IVF cycle and cryopreserved (frozen) after they developed into 5-day blastocysts making them twins! Technically, all four of our embabies are quadruplets! This fact always blows people’s minds.
Our story is extremely unconventional and full of loss and despair, but our children are our world and we are eternally grateful to our medical team, our donors, and the miracle of science for making our family possible. I have two beautiful children on earth and two in heaven.
This story was written by Marissa Weatherby. You can follow her journey on Instagram at @teamweatherby.
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