Last updated on May 2nd, 2024 at 09:45 am
Yelling at your children can unfortunately become a bad habit. Read these 3 tips from a twin mama to discipline your twins without yelling.
Everyone comes from different backgrounds and comfort levels. Styles of discipline vary from family to family. I was raised with a father who believed that I would not adhere to his rules or be physically able of hearing anything he had to say unless he spoke in a raised tone. That is a nice way of saying he yelled – a lot. After years of this practice I stopped listening anytime he would start talking.
My mother on the other hand has never yelled at anyone, myself included, unless you count a harmless bee that happened to accidentally fly into our car when I was a child. I found it humorous because I was unaware my mother’s voice was even able to reach that decibel level. My mom did not find the incident as funny. Even during my terrible teenage angst and disrespectful period she was always able to get down on my level and speak to me in a quiet, respectful manner. I always admired her ability to be calm in any given circumstance, but after I had children I appreciate this quality even more.
One day after listening to my children bicker for twelve straight hours, whining in lieu of talking, and fighting over every little thing imaginable, I heard myself yelling at my kids. And not just yelling once but it was like an all-day Olympic marathon of barking at them for every little squabble. I feel like a horrible mother and human being for admitting this but it’s true. The tirade didn’t bother me as much as it probably should have but what did cause me concern was the look on my children’s faces as I was losing my cool in front of them.
My son in particular is a very sensitive child. A small change in my tone of voice is enough to warrant a wary eye from him. My full-fledged outburst made him cry. The one person in his little universe who is supposed to help him didn’t and I am sure that was scary for him. I resolved at that moment to become a parent more in control of my emotions so I can discipline my children without screaming at them. Some days I am successful, other days I fail continuously. In my determination to be able to discipline my little ones without raised voices I have found three practices that help me become a better parent.
1. Regain Control for Effective Discipline
This sounds incredibly easy but in the heat of the moment one of the hardest things I can do is to stop whatever it is I am doing. Whatever I am working on, reading, picking up or cleaning has to stop, including talking. Sometimes I have to literally bite my lip to keep myself from speaking or screaming. I know if start communicating my words will be much louder and sharper than they should be.
With the exception of boot camp in the military I can’t think of many incidences where losing your stuff and shouting at someone is productive. By taking a moment to consciously take a breath in and out you are regaining control of yourself. And when your emotions are more regulated the chances of you being able to correct the situation at hand in a loving, calm manner is higher. This has helped me not only with my twins, but also with my husband, my colleagues and family.
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2. Keep a Little Perspective With Discipline
Try to see the world through your children’s eyes. Yes it may be annoying to us as adults that our little ones would rather go through the day naked, screaming at the top of their lungs while clobbering a sibling just because it’s fun. Children have a unique perspective that we eventually loose as an adult. When we discipline our little ones it’s not much different. We are much bigger and stronger than our kids, and our words have the ability to heal or to hurt. Parents have the ability to demonstrate to our children that control does not require strong, loud words. We can show our youngsters how to handle future disagreements by modeling healthy behavior.
3. Give Yourself a Break When It Comes to Discipline
Nobody is perfect. A parent of any set of multiples is pretty close to perfect, however, we are not without faults. That does not mean that we should focus on our mistakes. I do mess up with my kids on a pretty constant basis. Instead of focusing on my weaknesses, I try to concentrate on where I got something right. Some people, like me, have a natural tendency to go over an incident over and over in my head. I rehearse what I should have said, how I should have said it and what I plan to do it differently in the future. This exchange will be played on a loop in my mind for days. Doing this robs me and my family of being present in the moment and giving myself a break.
I am harder on myself than anyone else could be – that is just how I am wired for better or for worse. So when I mess up I apologize to myself and to my children and try my best to move forward and not get stuck in the past. This is easier said than done but at least I try.
Parenting and discipline are tough. With these 3 tips discipline without yelling is possible.
Diana Coleman is a native Austinite and works in the wholesale electricity market as a market specialist. She is a married mom to 2.5 year old boy/girl twins Chloe and Greyson. She enjoys organizing, reading, and watching movies while secretly fears potty training and getting her little ones to sleep in separate rooms.
