Last updated on September 26th, 2023 at 01:19 pm
Every day expectant mothers around the world dream about the day that their precious little ones will arrive and all of the exciting changes that the new family members will bring. Most of the time, families will welcome new babies without any complications. Expecting multiples is even more exciting in that you will have not just one but at least two new bundles of joy. However, with that added excitement also comes an increased risk of complication. Even worse than complication, some families may lose one or all of the babies. Whether complications are identified early on or the pregnancy loss is sudden, unexpected and later in term, the grief can be world shattering. It is a loss that you will carry with you, very deeply, for a very long time. What is supposed to be the happiest time of your life has suddenly turned out to me the most devastating and there is no way to prepare for that loss.
Although there is no way to prepare for the loss of a pregnancy and everyone grieves differently, the one thing to keep in mind is that you are not alone. Unfortunately, far too many families have experienced this devastating loss before you and likewise there will be many families after you that will also experience this type of loss.
If you experience the loss of a pregnancy, you will probably have the assistance of a social worker or counselor at the hospital. In addition, there are some things to keep in mind if you experience this horrific loss:
You Are Not Alone
I will repeat this many times because you may feel more alone that you ever have in your life. Once people learn of your experience, you will hear many other stories of pregnancy losses. More people than you can imagine know of someone, if it is not themselves directly, that have lost a pregnancy at some point. People will try to comfort you with stories of other families that have lost a pregnancy. Hearing these stories may be helpful or may intensify the pain, but either way, you have to remember you are not alone. If these stories are uncomfortable for you, please make sure you let people know. Most people are trying to empathize and make you feel better. For some people, knowing of others’ experiences can be helpful. Either way, do whatever feels best for you, but know that you are not alone.
You Cannot Blame Yourself
Mothers of multiples have more doctors and doctors’ appointments than most pregnant women because of the additional risk from the multiple pregnancy. The added medical attention should be comforting since at least one doctor should identify a problem, if there is one. However, sometimes a loss can be a sudden event. Either way, you cannot blame yourself for the loss of a pregnancy. As the mother and carrier of the babies, you feel solely responsible for caring for these children as they mature through the pregnancy, however, you have to trust the doctors you choose and accept that there are may be events out of your control that result in the end of a pregnancy. You can drive yourself crazy saying “what if.” To this day I still say it, but it will not help you heal, it will only make you feel worse, and at the time of the loss you do not need any additional burdens.
Do What Feels Right for You
People may try to help you by telling you things you should do. However, the best thing you can do for yourself is to do what feels right. If you want to be sad, be sad. If you want to go to a movie to take your mind off of everything, go to a movie. If possible, taking time out from work can be helpful because while co-workers will try to be helpful, being at work can add stress to an already stressful time.
Do Not Make Any Quick Decisions
You will be faced with many decisions as you work through this process, think through all of your decisions, as difficult as it may be. A family we know had stillborn twins at 23 weeks and the parents were given the option to hold the babies or not see them at all. Knowing this was the first and last time they could see and hold their sons, they chose to hold them and spend a few minutes with them. Though giving the children back to the nurse, after holding them, was the hardest thing in the whole world for these parents, the parents felt it was the right decision for them to see and hold their children. Another family we know, could not bear the heartache to hold their children, and chose not to, this made them feel better and helped quicken the healing process for them. You have to think through decisions and do what is best for yourself.
Communicate With Your Spouse/Partner
All people grieve and communicate differently and while many people think that a couple experiencing this together will grieve together, I have spoken with many women who have told me that their spouses/partners either do not understand them or do not communicate with them. This is the time when communication is so vital. Your spouse/partner is grieving as well but may communicate it differently. Some partners/spouses will be silent on the topic simply to ease the burden on you as the carrier of the babies. Likewise, your spouse/partner may want to talk about the loss and the grief more than you do. While finding a balance of how much you want to discuss the loss of the pregnancy is helpful, it is more important that you communicate in general with your spouse/partner. Your spouse/partner will not feel the same way as you, you have the combination of the loss of a piece of yourself, no matter how far into the pregnancy you were, the pregnancy hormones, which are in great fluctuation once a pregnancy ends, and the sheer sadness and grief you are experiencing. Your body will be in physical turmoil and your emotions will be as well; this combination is unique to the mother of the multiples. One couple made the decision to talk at any time, whether it was 3 am or 3 pm. This helped both people feel secure in knowledge that someone was there for them at all times.
Try Not to Rush Into Another Pregnancy
Most women we spoke to that lost a pregnancy said their “empty arms” were the hardest thing to deal with. When you are expecting multiples, you dream about the day you can hold your little bundles of joy, not being able to hold them after having a pregnancy, can leave you feeling completely empty. Many women and families try to rush into another pregnancy just to be able to hold a child. Depending on your pregnancy, your doctor will probably tell you to wait some period of time before trying again. No matter how long the doctor tells you to wait, it will feel like an eternity. However, you have to keep in mind that as an expectant mother of twins, your body was filled with many hormones and your body needs to physically recover. However, you also need to emotionally recover. Another pregnancy cannot lessen the loss you feel for the pregnancy you lost. In fact, any complications while trying for another pregnancy can actually be more devastating if you haven’t appropriately grieved for the loss of your pregnancy.
Do Something Special to Commemorate the Pregnancy and Your Children
Some families we have spoken with had a funeral or religious ceremony to mark the lives of their children, some hang subtle poems in their home dedicated to their lost children, one women wears a necklace with a clip of her child’s hair in it. No matter what, you cannot ignore the fact that you had children. Just because your children did not live the long, healthy lives you had hoped for, does not negate the fact that you became the mother of multiples through every careful act you took throughout your pregnancy and the excitement you felt for your expectant, extended family. No one can take away from you the fact that you are a mother of multiples. By finding some way to commemorate your children, you have something to go to whenever you want to think about your children.
Let People Help You
If people reach out and offer to help you, take them up on their kindness. This is not the time you need to be grocery shopping, cooking or cleaning. If you have other children, it may be helpful to have someone watch your other child/children so that you have some private time away from the other child/children to mourn.
Seek Professional Help
Professional help can be either individual counseling or group counseling. Some hospitals offer group counseling sessions for pregnancy/child loss, please check if your hospital offers this. This could offer a significant benefit to you as being able to tell your story to a group of compassionate and understanding people can be very helpful. The loss of a child is different from the loss of a parent. While both are devastating, they are different and it is important to have someone to speak to that understands you.
The loss of a pregnancy is something that never goes away. In one city, there is a cemetery dedicated to small children and when visiting it, we see older couples that lost children decades ago still grieving their loss. Unfortunately, it is a very crowded cemetery and it one of the most heartbreaking places; many families mourn the loss of children every day. However, you have to remember that you are, and always will be, a mother of multiples. What may have started out as any other day can suddenly turn into the worst day of your life. Or, if you have experienced a complicated pregnancy for a while, you may suddenly be dealing with the end of a long, drawn out struggle. Either way, your hopes and dreams have ended and no matter where you are, the world may seem to have stopped. One mother told me that New York City seemed to be absolutely silent and empty when her twins were stillborn. Please remember to be kind to yourself, remember to take time for yourself to grieve, communicate with your spouse/partner and seek help through this difficult time.
From One Father’s Perspective:
My wife and I lost our twin boys at 23 weeks to TTTS. We were cautious throughout the pregnancy and what seemed like a miracle situation vanished in a heartbeat. In the case of our situation, we have been fortunate and lucky in that we were able to get pregnant a year later and now have healthy twin girls. We are more than three years removed from the loss of our twins but I must say it still hurts to this day when I think of those two little boys.
To me, as a father, I was able to survive/recover because of a few important things:
- Family/Friends were there immediately and often to offer their condolences, and most important support.
- My wife and I came to an agreement that we would talk whenever something was bothering us or we needed to talk. With that, we took turns in showing emotion and sadness. Instead of letting this drive a divide between us, it brought the two of us closer together.
- Most important: I let my emotions come out. I wanted to be the macho man who wasn’t going to break down or show “weakness.” I knew how sad my wife was and I worried about her constantly. I didn’t want her to see me sad because I feared it would make her break down even more. It was important to me to show that strong side in order to allow her to cry and allow her to be comforted. But it is important to cry. Don’t bottle it up. It is important to grieve. Being a father now, I understand the joys of fatherhood. And as a father who lost two wonderful boys too early, I had to show emotion. I did cry and I think that was a key to our survival for the months to come.
Loss of a Multiple/ Bereavement
Twinless Twins – Twinless Twins Support Group, International (TTSGI) exists to provide a safe and compassionate community for twinless twins to experience healing and understanding. We provide support for twins and other multiples who have lost their twin due to death or estrangement at any age.
By Cassandra B.
