Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:19 am
You hear the shrieking cry of, “Mooooom!” You know what is coming next. Tattling. It starts around two to four years of age and can continue into their school years, and can become annoying if excessive.
This is a delicate matter that needs discernment to handle properly. You don’t want to encourage the tattling, because then children will not learn the important lesson of how to get along in social situations and will always rely on someone else to solve their problems. But you should not ban “tattling” either. Ignoring every situation can result in retaliation that will escalate the situation and push kids away, and erode the security in knowing that they can come to you with problems. They need to know that you care about their problems. If you become unapproachable you risk the child becoming isolated and withdrawn when serious issues, like being bullied, arise.
So is this just a catch twenty-two? Well, there are no solid rules that apply in this area since each child, family and situation differs from the next. What works in one situation may not be appropriate in another.
The key to an appropriate response from you is to listen. Then you can decipher what their motives are. You can usually figure this out by how they are presenting their case and their tone of voice. The message may be presented in a whiny, exuberant tone that begs for attention, or maybe they are expressing a legitimate concern delivered in a “matter-of-fact” way. An urgent tone could indicate that they have witnessed what they feel (and may be) dangerous behavior.
Take into consideration the disposition of the children involved. You may have a child who craves attention or they may be sleepy, thus lacking in the ability to problem solve or tolerate even slight offenses. It’s possible they may have tried to solve the situation themselves only to have their efforts thwarted, or they may be testing YOU to see if you will uphold the rules. On the other hand, a child may have limited problem solving skills that require your guidance so they can learn the appropriate response in a situation.
So how can you stop the unnecessary tattling? Help them learn to distinguish the difference between tattling and reporting. Tattling is to get someone into trouble. Reporting is getting someone out of trouble. This is a concept that will be learned over time, though trial and error. To help them distinguish between the two ask them these questions:
- Are you tattling to get “brother” into trouble or reporting to get “brother” out of trouble?
- Is “brother” hurting someone?
- Is “brother” hurting something?
- Is “brother” in danger?
Sometimes a younger or less mature child or sibling may be offending, taking away toys, hitting, or saying things to be annoying and not nice (things that may be age appropriate for the younger child). Help your child understand that they can ask the other child to stop or leave the situation to solve the problem.
By helping our kids problem solve, we are training them to have helpful skills for life.
A few words from parents:
Jason B. has this house rule: “If an adults determines that it’s a pointless tattle (like if they’re trying to get someone in trouble versus not knowing how to handle a social problem), both the tattler and the tattlee gets time out. If the motive is trying to get someone in trouble or being lazy about problem solving, that usually nips it in the bud. If it’s a frustrating social problem, we offer suggestions on ways for them to handle it themselves before we step in. We don’t want to reinforce the tattling by swooping in every time. It has cut down on tattling A LOT!”
Marie adds: “Never ask who started it! This will only lead to pitting the children against each other and test to see if they can get away with a lie, thus escalating your problem as a parent to figure out who is telling you the truth. Sometimes it’s just best to separate the children and talk to them individually about what to do if they are in the situation in the future. We teach our kids that if a sibling is being “mean” they don’t have to play with them, they can walk away if the situation become unpleasant.”
*Note: Situations can escalate into bullying even among siblings. Be vigilant and step in if you notice a pattern of distress from a child.
___
Tags: Tattle Tale, Tattling, tattling and twins, twins tattling, twins, multiples, sibling tattling, siblings, sibling rivalry, sibling tattling, tattletale, triplets, sibling relationships, twiniversity, why kids tattle, how to stop the tattling, how to discourage tattling,
