Last updated on September 30th, 2021 at 10:12 am
There are a few benefits to having twins as your first babies; one major one being that nobody asks you when you’re going to have more kids. Most people assumed that I would be so full with the two that I would never want more kids, and so they were heartily surprised when I announced we were expecting baby #3 only three years after embarking on our twin journey.
In many ways having one baby after having had two-at-a-time is very healing. I hadn’t truly realized how hard and traumatizing that first year with twins was until I was experiencing the milestones again with my new baby girl, and how much easier it was. I found myself reliving intense moments from my twins’ babyhood; compulsively pumping though she refused bottles, melting down when she wouldn’t sleep at the “right” time, and feeling like everyone was trying to take her from me. When my big kids were infants it felt like I simultaneously constantly held them and never held them, as I was the soother/cleaner/feeder but never the playmate.
Being able to focus on one baby is really an amazing and intense experience I didn’t get to have the first time. In the hospital she was on my chest, skin-to-skin, almost constantly. I almost never had to put her down except to use the bathroom or shower. The instant she fussed I was able to soothe her with my milk. Nursing this time around was so much less challenging. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t like trying to juggle one child in the NICU and one in the nursery; one who liked the bottle and one who liked to nurse.
My expectations for sleep were so low, based on my twin infant experience, that I was pleasantly surprised. Periodically, I got two hour stretches of sleep at a time, sometimes with baby on my chest but sometimes with her in the bassinet. It felt like a dream. I had my baby right next to me and nursed her all night and went right back to sleep. I was tired but it was so much more simple than the night-time two-adults-needed rigamarole I remember from last time.
I became extremely reliant on baby carriers so my hands can be free for the big kids. Baby practically lived in the Moby wrap as a newborn. When my twins were little, I’d wrap one up but the other would still need at least one of my arms. I hadn’t mastered any double carrying methods until they were much older, and even then I never wore them around the house that way.
Having twin big kids is also surprisingly amazing. My son and daughter are excellent older siblings. People have suggested maybe it is because they are used to having my divided attention and more easily welcomed another into the group. Maybe that’s the case, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel more productive when they’re home because baby girl doesn’t fuss as much when they are around to play with her. They take their roles as big brother and big sister very seriously; they wipe her spit up for me, help me get diapers, make baby smile, give her toys, let her touch their faces and pull their hair. As wonderful as it is to see my twins’ relationship with each other, watching them become so careful and loving over their baby sister is really beautiful.
But life is still very, very challenging. At times when I can get someone to watch the baby for a little bit and I can spend time with just my twins I think, wow, why was this so hard? Two kids, two hands! I have gained even more respect for moms of higher order multiples. I didn’t think I could respect them more but I definitely do. A part of me misses days when it used to be just the three of us doing activities together. I had gotten used to the logistics of getting the two of them in and out of the car and into a shopping cart, for example. Now, I’m not even sure how to use shopping carts; where do I put the food after I get two big kids and a car seat in?
Baby sister has also just reached an age where she needs to have more consistency with her napping, so my life is becoming more structured and rigid. I promised myself this time around I would be more flexible, but I am finding my break time to be even more important than ever and thus naps more precious than ever. When the big kids are in school, I need the baby to take a nap. The energy required to (patiently, compassionately, nurturingly) manage two 3-year-olds and a 5-month-old in the afternoon is more than what I have most days, even with plenty of caffeine, as the lack of consistent night time sleep has begun to catch up with me. I’ve called the sleep consultant, I am using my coping skills I learned when the twins were babies, and I’ve got a box of Thin Mints in the freezer. I need that daytime break, and so I am back to the schedule-as-gospel lifestyle. Sigh.
I have heard from moms with lots of kids that the transition from 2 to 3 is the hardest because you are suddenly outmanned, and I believe it. Evenings, 5-8pm, have become a circus. But I love it. It’s loud, it’s busy, it’s crazy, it’s definitely messy. There’s diapers all over the place, the breakfast dishes stay out all day, I just stepped on a LEGO, the baby needs to nurse, but one big kid wants a cuddle and a story, and the other needs help pulling up his pants after going to the toilet by himself (hooray!) I love it all, the chaos and the noise, even when I’m grouchy and clutching my cup of tea like a life preserver.
Robin Sheldon is an artist and therapist, currently staying at home full time with her big kid twins, new baby, and two cats while her husband hunts and gathers. According to her children, her job is making breakfast and packing lunches, what makes her happy is hugs, and her favorite food is cookies. Pretty accurate! For more articles by Robin on Twiniversity, click here.
