Last updated on August 21st, 2023 at 04:57 pm
“I don’t want those babies anymore,” uttered my very upset three-year-old daughter. “Take them back,” she said. Well, that definitely wasn’t an option. And I didn’t know quite how to combat this attitude. We had done everything right… she got the “proud big sister t-shirt” and had been showered with praise about being the “big helper.” But she wanted apple juice – right now – and I had two babies attached to my breasts.
Having a young child and bringing home multiples is like being a lion tamer, and then throwing two monkeys in the cage with you and the lion (sorry for the crazy metaphor but I just got back from taking the “big sister” to the circus.) You can’t “sleep when the babies sleep” when another child is in the house. You can’t rush off for some “me time” unless you have a very confident, capable sitter for 3+ kids! Life gets crazy. But my twins are now one year old and my oldest daughter is now four. We survived that first year! And you can too! Here are a few things we did to get by:
Rearrange
Sure, there’s baby-proofing and toddler-proofing… but what I am talking about is the reverse of that. Take (safe) things that normally would be out of reach for your toddler and put them within reach. I took the juice boxes off of the top shelf in the refrigerator and put them on a lower shelf (to solve the apple juice dilemma mentioned above). Her board games were usually stored on a high shelf in the closet because I would always get them down when she wanted to play. But instead, we cleared out some closet floor space and stacked them down low. I took screw-in doorstops and screwed them into the wall to make a place for her to hang her own coat. When we’re ready to head out and I am still buckling babies into their seats, she gets her own coat on. I also took one of the drawers in our TV stand usually reserved for wires, cables, and remotes; and made a toy drawer for her right in the living room. We even have a low shelf in our pantries with crackers, fruit snacks, and other approved snacks that she can reach herself.
Is this going to create a “do-what-I-want” little monster? Not with the right boundaries and attitude! My daughter Karli knows she isn’t allowed to go into the fridge or pantry without asking first. She’s NEVER been allowed to do those things. But now, when it IS an acceptable time for a snack or drink, she can reach it for herself if I am otherwise engaged. When she wants to play a game and I am in the middle of spoon-feeding a baby who will immediately start screaming if I walk away, she can get what she needs herself. This hasn’t solved everything… sometimes she just wants mommy, and that’s ok. But it has taken the pressure off. You’ll hear me say multiple times a day, “Mommy will do it, but you have to wait. If you want it done now, try it for yourself!” I am amazed at how independent she has become!
Take Time
This is probably the most obvious, yet the most difficult, thing to do. As exciting as it is to teach them independence… we also must realize that kids this age still need us. The last thing I wanted to do yesterday was pack up the twins and head over to the playground. I was tired, it was windy, and we were approaching nap time… but my daughter had been begging to go. Sometimes its so easy to say no and just deal with the repercussions (because kids generally get over things quickly) but saying yes is so important. Your child needs to know that you still value their wants and needs even though there are babies at home.
One-on-one time is awesome, if you can get it. Sometimes, this is just the hour after your multiples go to bed that your older child is still up. Cuddle, read books, or watch her favorite cartoon together. After reading to my daughter every night, we let her cuddle with one of us in our bed… just her with her mommy or daddy… before she goes to her bed. Sometimes she will get an extra special trip to the circus or a restaurant. But even if you can’t get a lot of one-on-one… find ways to do what will make your child happy, even when you don’t feel like it.
Make a big deal out of small things. Bring her flowers after her performance in the preschool Christmas play. Take him for ice cream after his tee ball game. Bring her a happy meal for no reason on your lunch break. Take the day off work to go on his pre-K field trip. And always, ALWAYS, introduce your preschooler when people are fawning over the multiples. Take the time to make him/her feel special.
Don’t Judge
Don’t judge others’ parenting… or your own. This mantra has changed my life. I was in a restaurant many, many years ago, before I had my own children. I remember watching a mother struggle with one of her three children at the table. The young boy was refusing to eat and her struggle to make him do so escalated, in volume and attitude. I watched as she gave up and he threw his food all over the floor. I thought to myself, “I won’t have a child like that. I will teach my kid better than that.”
To my horror, my oldest is THAT kid. I dragged her kicking and screaming out of a restaurant, tears of embarrassment streaming down my face, all because she was upset that we didn’t get the table with the umbrella. I was mortified that we were disturbing someone else’s dinner. I remember having another mother tell me that I was “raising children without manners,” because I let my daughter have snacks away from the table at home. I could never do it right!
And then something in me broke. I was doing the best I could. And so was that other mother that I judged in that restaurant many years ago. My daughter takes her snacks to the living room so I can have a few moments of peace in the kitchen. We get upset together about not getting to sit at the special table with the umbrella at her favorite restaurant and even wait a few extra minutes if that table is going to be available. And when I notice another mother struggling with a child, I usually attempt to make eye contact or even whisper as I walk by… “Keep going, momma. You can do this!”
Having multiples changed even the way I thought I was going to parent… I live by the old adage, “pick your battles.” And I don’t always pick the right ones, but I love my kids and I do my best. That’s enough.
Meghan Weber is a former career woman turned stay at home mom in Baltimore, MD. She has a beautiful 4 year old daughter named Karli Anna and her 9-month-old identical girls, Laurel Brynne and Lindyn Brooke, are her pride and joy. She serves on the board as the co-chair of the Philanthropy Division for her local mothers of multiples organization, CAMOM (Columbia Area Mothers of Multiples), in Columbia, Maryland.
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