Last updated on November 28th, 2023 at 05:45 pm
Most people—at least the ones I have met in the past 50 years of my life — don’t get married and have children with the assumption that they will one day be divorced or widowed from their spouse and a single parent to their children. Most of us expect the happily-ever-after we learned about in our childhood fairy tales and movies. So, what happens when that “happily-ever-after” falls apart and you find yourself in a new situation, one that involves a divorce or a death, and leaves you a single parent? How do you cope? What do you tell the children? How do you move forward and start anew?
For me, transitioning to single parenting happened almost 22-years into my marriage. My twin daughters were 17 and my singleton son was 13. While there had been marital differences and counseling off-and-on over the years, I never thought my marriage would end in divorce. I also never thought my ex-husband, who was an incredible father to our three children, would ever choose to leave his children. But that is exactly what happened.
Coping
Everyone has different coping mechanisms for dealing with sudden and dramatic changes in their lives. According to licensed counselor William DeFoore, Ph.D, there are seven stages of grief associated with a divorce: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance. People will experience these stages differently and likewise, will work through them differently than others.
For me, the initial shock was intense. My ex-husband and I had had communication issues throughout our marriage, and were in counseling at the time of our separation. However, the “D” word had never been uttered. We were, after all, a Christian couple and I always assumed we’d work through our problems and come out happy on the other end. The initial shock of the separation and my ex-husband’s decision to file for divorce left me feeling numb and dazed.
I never really experienced much in the way of denial but had my fair share of anger—mostly at my ex-husband for choosing the easy way out, and a bit towards myself for not being able to do more to prevent the divorce. I also did a little bargaining with God during the early stages of the separation and skipped right through the guilt stage.
The key coping time for me was during the depression stage. At the time my ex-husband and I separated, he was planning a three-month trip across country for work. I felt strongly in my heart that he would not be returning to our family and felt an incredible need to have some time to myself to prepare for what would be my new life as a single mom.
Since we were a military family, we never had family in town that I could call on for help. I was fortunate that I was able to leave the children with my ex-husband and stay at a hotel for six weeks. I was five minutes from home and stayed involved in my children’s day-to-day activities during those six weeks, but retreated to my solitude each night.
While you may not be able to take the time to go somewhere by yourself, you should definitely factor in some alone time to think, meditate, pray, and plan. Ask friends or family to help by watching the kids for a night, a weekend, a week. I had a friend who offered to take all three of my kids for an entire weekend so I could have some down time alone in my own home. What an incredible blessing that was (she has two teenagers of her own so taking on my three teenagers was quite a feat!).
I believe taking time to be alone was a very healthy decision for me, and one that kept me from dipping into a deep depression. During my six weeks away, I was able to spend a lot of time in prayer, reading and writing (two of my passions), and in much-needed fellowship with friends. Sadly, my best friend of thirty-years had gone through the exact same situation as me just two years prior to my separation. She was a godsend to me and still is a constant source of support.
Finding someone you can confide in and gather strength and encouragement from is key. You don’t need (or want) someone who will continually “bash” your ex, but instead a friend who is willing to just listen and support you is quite beneficial. Additionally, it’s also helpful if you have a friend or two who has gone through a similar experience. It can be affirming knowing that you are not the first person to ever experience this type of hurt, and that you will survive the ordeal.
Helping Children Cope
Telling the children about a separation or divorce is a daunting task. The process and the information you share will vary by age. Consider eliciting the advice and support of a family counselor. That’s the road I chose. My kids were old enough to know that my ex-husband and I were in counseling, and prior to taking my six week retreat, I briefly shared with my children the reasons for my brief hiatus. When the time came to share that my ex was filing for divorce, I requested that the discussion take place in the counselor’s office so I could have a trained third-party mediator there for my children. Since my husband was the one who wanted the divorce, I requested that he be the one to tell the children the details and reasons why.
During the separation and subsequent divorce, I arranged for private counseling for myself and my children. I wanted them to know they had a safe place to go to talk about their frustrations and concerns. I have attended a few of those sessions with my children, and they’ve gone to a few on their own. I’ve always had a very open relationship with my children and they have always felt comfortable talking to/sharing things with me. I did my best to encourage them to continue talking to me about their feelings during the divorce process.
My twins were beginning their junior year in high school and my son was beginning eighth grade when my ex husband and I separated. They all did remarkably well that year with their academics and appeared to be unchanged by the separation. Perhaps that was because my ex traveled a lot with the military and they were used to him being gone. Or, perhaps they did a better job hiding their emotions than I realized.
My girls did well academically during their senior year (although there were a few bumps along the way), and my son graduated from eighth grade with honors. All three of my kids continued to be very involved with their friends and extracurricular activities during the year of my separation. My son struggled a bit academically throughout his freshman year but through open communication and counseling, we’ve been able to work through a lot of that. My twins will be heading to college in the fall and my son and I will be embarking on another new life – the two of us being home alone together without the girls.
My advice – stay engaged and involved in your kids’ lives. It’s natural for teenagers to “pull away” and act like they don’t want you to be involved in their lives. I always took this as a sign that I needed to be more engaged, while also still affording them some personal space and privacy.
Moving Forward and Starting Anew
Acceptance is the final stage of grief. The road to acceptance can be short or long-lived depending on the person and the circumstances. I’ve accepted that my life and the lives of my children have changed forever and things will never again be the same. I’ve accepted that it’s alright to move on realizing acceptance creates a new confidence in myself. That confidence has allowed me reopen some doors to activities I used to enjoy but quit doing during my marriage like country and western dancing, as well as exploring some of the activities on my “bucket list” like off-roading in my Jeep and learning to ride a motorcycle so I can participate in dirt bike riding.
I’ve re-engaged in my faith through a wonderful home church, and have immensely enjoyed the friendships and fellowship that it offers. I still enjoy activities with my children, and have started to enjoy chores I never did before like mowing the yard, creating a beautiful back patio area to relax in, and tinkering around on my Jeep. Find what works for you and set a pace that’s healthy for you and your children. It takes time to heal but a healthy attitude can certainly make the journey a little bit easier.
Below are some recommended resources for single parents. Thanks Donna for sharing your story!
Single Parents Network – a hub of single parent web sites, articles, information, government resources, online discussion forum support boards, books and much more.
National Single Parent Resource Center – a non-profit 501(c)(3) organization established by Coach Judy Romanoff in 1994. Their mission is to mission is to provide Empowering, Educational, Supportive, Programs that, “enhance lives of single families.” And to reduce the risks of abuse, all too common with children and parents by helping them understanding the, “R’s & R’ of Single Parenting,” better known as Working in the Best Interest of the Children.
Single Parents – About.com – a site offering expert, quality content that helps users if solutions to a wide range of daily needs. Single parenting is just one of over 900 topics that are offered on the About.com site.
Contributed by Donna Lyons. Single mother to 19-year-old twin daughters and a 15-year-old son.
